You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This
by SKingList
Summary: Fall 2003: Carol returns to Chicago after leaving in 1995 after marrying Tag.
1. You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This: Part 1

Well here's another go at a new Doug and Carol story-sort of. Here's what you need to know:

-Carol did marry Tag at the end of Season 1. They moved away but Carol did keep in occasional contact with her friends at County. Doug and Carol were on amicable terms when she left but things had been a little rough..assume their history to that point was true.

-Doug is Doug. He is no saint but definitely recovered from his early troubles. He has been in several relationships but hasn't ever 'settled down.'

-Susan never left County and is now Chief of Emergency Medicine. She and Mark had a brief fling but there was never anything serious between them. They are still good friends.

-Mark and Elizabeth met, married, had Ella, etc but forget the entire brain tumour storyline because I never liked it in the first place and this is my story. Mark is Chief of Staff and Elizabeth is Chief of Surgery. Because of when Carol left, Elizabeth has never met her although she knows of her.

-That's about it as far as main characters. Some others may get a minor mention but you can either pretend they never came-or came and left-whatever. Hey, what can I say, I'm loyal to the original cast (plus Elizabeth).

I do not own any of the characters and make no money from their use. The title of the story comes from Toby Keith's song of the same name, which inspired the piece.

Please e-mail me with any feedback. This isn't NC-17 (yet), but it is still not recommended for young readers due to talk of violence. Many many thanks to Jo, my loyal beta reader, and to those in my LJ fic filter for your comments.

**You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This: Part 1**

November 2002

Susan reached eagerly for the phone when she heard it ring about an hour after she'd returned home. 'Hello?'

'Hey Susan, it's Carol. How are you?'

'Great! I was so surprised to get your message. How are you? Where are you?' Surprised didn't really begin to cover it. It had been quite some time even since she'd received an e-mail from Carol, and then to get a message on her voice mail.

'I'm OK. I'm in Chicago. I got your number from information. I hope you don't mind.'

'Mind? I'm thrilled. Do you want to get together? Is Tag here with you?'

'I'm here alone, but I'd like that very much. When is good for you?'

'Anytime. I'm off tomorrow and work 3-11pm on Friday. But...Do you have dinner plans for tonight?'

'No, no' Carol said, with more than a little hesitation evident. 'Do you want to meet somewhere?'

'There is this new grill place I wanted to try. It's near the Fullerton El Stop. Can you get there easily from where you're staying?'

'Sure, I'm also on the red line at Sheridan.'

'How about 7:30?' Susan asked, glancing at her clock.

'Sure, see you then.'

As she got ready to go out, Susan was surprised that she felt nervous. 'I shouldn't be,' she reasoned with herself. 'It's just Carol.' But on the other hand, she was thinking about how she hadn't seen Carol for quite a while and was worried about what Carol would think of her. She also couldn't help but wonder what had brought Carol back after such a long absence. Glad for the chance to reconnect, and thrilled that Carol had called her, she settled on an outfit and headed to the restaurant.

When Carol arrived at the restaurant, she glanced at her watch and realised she was a few minutes early. 'Why do I feel nervous?' she asked herself. She found, however, that she could not shake the feeling, and her anxiety increased as the minute hand on her watch inched toward 7:30.

Susan spotted Carol first and called out, 'Carol.' As Carol turned her head to look for Susan, Susan realised Carol looked more or less the same as she had four and a half years ago when they had last seen each other. After that, Tag's last conference in Chicago, they had written each other less and less often

As Susan approached, there was an awkward moment as neither she nor Carol knew exactly what to say or do. Finally, Susan put out her arms and gave Carol a hug. 'It's great to see you again. Welcome back.' Susan noticed that Carol didn't seem very comfortable with the hug, but decided not to say anything.

'Thanks, it's nice to see you again too,' Carol said, returning Susan's hug.

They walked into the restaurant and as they ate, they talked. At first, they both kept their questions general, not sure where the boundaries were after more than a year without contact, but they soon relaxed.

'No wedding ring yet?' Carol asked Susan with a smile.

'No, not quite yet.' Now that the topic had been broached, Susan felt comfortable mentioning the fact that she'd noticed that Carol wasn't wearing a wedding ring. 'Did you lose your rings?'

'No,' Carol said, looking down.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean...' Susan started.

'No, no. It's OK,' Carol said. 'It's just that...Can we talk about this later?'

'Of course,' Susan said, relieved that there would be a later. 'How long are you in Chicago for?'

'I don't know,' Carol admitted. 'A while.'

'Are you staying with your mom?'

'No, she moved out of state and into a retirement facility a year ago.'

'You know you're more than welcome to stay with me if you need somewhere to go.'

'I couldn't impose.'

'You're not' Susan explained. 'I have more than enough space in my condo. I want you to stay with me.'

'OK,' Carol agreed. 'I'd like that too.'

'We'll go back to your hotel after we finish and get your stuff.'

'This is all I have,' Carol said, indicating a backpack at her feet. 'I checked in but didn't feel comfortable with the crowd so I didn't want to leave it,' she explained. 'I'll just need to let the front desk know that I won't be coming back.'

'OK, that's no problem.'

'Since I've been so bad about keeping in touch so I wasn't sure who to call, who might still be in Chicago. You were the first person I tried, though.'

'You know I'd never leave,' Susan said with a laugh. 'You'd be surprised, though. Quite a few people are still here, and at County. Mark, Doug, Carter, most of the nurses...' Susan started.

Carol found that she wanted to ask about Doug, but knew that would mean going into the longer story, so she saved that question for later. 'And how about Peter? Where did he end up?'

'He and his wife moved to NY a few years back. He was offered a position at Mount Sinai.'

'And decided that he'd had enough of Chicago winters?'

'Yeah, and that's where his wife was originally from as well.'

Susan and Carol finished their dinner and went to notify the desk where Carol was staying. The building was more of a shelter facility than a hotel. This confirmed Susan's suspicions that there was more to the situation then Carol had let on. However, she also knew better than to push Carol to talk before she was ready. Susan hung back as the woman at the desk explained options that were still available to Carol even though she wasn't staying at the facility.

They got back to Susan's place around 10:00 and Susan said, 'I just need to put a set of sheets on the guest bed.'

'Don't bother,' Carol said. 'I'd be perfectly fine on the couch.'

'You are _not_ sleeping on the couch,' Susan said.

'Then let me at least make up the bed.'

'No,' Susan said firmly. 'You are my guest. Do you have pajamas or do you need to borrow a pair of mine?'

'I have some,' Carol said. Looking at the pajamas that she'd brought, Carol realised she couldn't wear them, at least not just yet. They had short sleeves and she knew she had some explaining to do first. As she looked around in her bag she said, 'And I also have some tea bags. Would you like me to make some tea?'

'I'd like that,' Susan said.

A few minutes later, Susan went into the kitchen where Carol was. 'I have some cookies and probably some pie if you're still hungry?'

'I'm fine. I didn't know how you'd like your tea so I left it.'

'That's fine' Susan said, getting some sugar. They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes before Susan said, 'I know better than to push you to talk when you're not ready, but I won't say I'm not concerned.'

'Everything's fine,' Carol said, intently studying her tea as she stirred it.

Susan knew better, both from Carol's body language throughout the night and also from her comment about the wedding rings. She knew something was wrong but was afraid to push Carol too hard. She reached for Carol's hand and said, 'So Tag just doesn't have any vacation time?' in a such way that Carol knew she knew better.

Carol was quiet for a few moments, still staring at her tea, but not letting go of Susan's hand. 'The marriage is over, I left him,' she finally said, so softly it was barely more than a whisper.

'Do you want to talk about it?'

'I wouldn't know where to start,' Carol admitted. 'And part of me is afraid that if I start, we'll be up all night' she added softly.

'I'm here for you. I don't care what time it is. If you want to talk, I'll be awake.'

'Thank you,' Carol said, her voice shaking.

Remembering Carol's reaction to the earlier hug, Susan asked, 'Can I give you a hug?' Carol nodded, but still winced when Susan hugged her. 'I didn't mean to hurt you,' Susan said.

'You didn't.'

'I did,' Susan said, forcing Carol to meet her gaze. 'I can tell because you pulled back when I hugged you.'

'I didn't mean to,' Carol said quickly.

'I know that. What I don't know is why a hug hurt you.' They sat in silence for a minute that dragged on so long, it felt like an hour. Carol was looking down at her tea once again, trying to keep everything inside when Susan finally put it together. 'Was Tag hitting you?'

Carol just nodded, unable to speak, unable to look Susan in the eye.

Susan kicked herself mentally for missing the signs earlier. She'd seen so many battered women in the ER. She should have recognised the signals. She knew, also, that she hadn't been looking for, or expecting them, in Carol and that was partly why she hadn't seen them. She was shocked, as well. She'd worked with Tag for quite a few years at County and she never would have expected it from him. Despite all that was going through her mind, 'My God!' were the first words from her mouth. She didn't want to push Carol, but knew that it would be good for her to get the story out, to share it with someone. 'I'm so sorry,' she said, simply. 'I wish I'd known, I wish I could have done something.'

'Don't,' Carol said. 'After a moment or two she added, 'There was no way for you to know. I didn't tell anyone.'

'I know there's no way for me to understand the pain you're going through and I understand if you don't want to talk, but just know that I am listening if you do.'

'I needed that hug, no matter how much it hurt,' Carol said, trying to keep her composure. 'It showed me that you cared. I hadn't felt that in a long time.'

'How long?' she asked gently.

'He...It...It wasn't an easy few years,' Carol admitted.

'Has it been like this since you got married?'

'No, not that long. It just, it got worse over time. Started with emotional and I should have left but I didn't and...it just escalated,' Carol said, finally breaking down.

Susan wasn't sure what to do, and didn't want to hurt Carol so she just gently rubbed her back. After a few minutes she heard a soft, 'Thanks'

'You're welcome,' Susan said.

Carol wiped her eyes with the back of her hand before continuing with her story. 'The verbal abuse just escalated and escalated until.' She dropped her voice before saying, 'I was raped.' She looked up to gauge Susan's reaction and saw a look of absolute shock on her face.

She wanted to hide it, but she couldn't, she was floored. Carol had been through so much without any support, and now she was determined to give her the support she deserved. 'By Tag?' she probed.

'No, no. By a friend of his when they were drinking, but he blamed me,' Carol said, once again, starting to choke up. 'The physical abuse started after that.'

'Please tell me you pressed charges.'

'I have a restraining order against Tag'

'And against his friend?' Susan prompted.

Carol just shook her head. 'I know, I know. No lectures please.'

'I wouldn't do that,' Susan promised. 'That's the last thing you need now. What you need is a friend to listen and that's what I will do.'

'That's part of why I came back to Chicago. I knew I needed to go somewhere where I had a support base. I couldn't start over alone.'

'I'm glad you came back. Besides me, you know you will have a lot of support here.'

'I'm a little nervous about seeing everyone. I'm worried what people will think.'

'No one will think anything negative. We're your friends.'

'I hope you're right.'

'Well if you want to test it,' Susan started. 'Doug is coming here tomorrow for dinner. But, if you're not comfortable with that, I can ask him if we can eat at his place.'

'No, no.' Carol said. 'I don't want you turning your life upside down for me.' After a few moments' pause Carol continued, 'Are you and Doug seeing each other?'

"Oh no,' Susan said with a laugh. 'I could never date Doug but since neither he nor I are seeing anyone right now we have dinner every few weeks.'

'That's a nice idea. I'd like to see Doug, and everyone else eventually.' Jokingly Carol added, 'Do you know if County needs any nurses?'

'We always need more nurses.'

'Going to write me a letter of recommendation?' she said, only half joking. 'I need to get a job.'

'Well since I'm Chief of ER Medicine and Mark is Chief of Staff, I don't think you need a letter.'

'Are you serious?'

'Absolutely. I'll talk with the nursing director just to see what shifts but I know we have a shortage in the ER.'

'Would I know any of the current nurses?'

'Oh definitely. Haleh, and Lydia are still there.'

'It's been more than seven years but some things never change. How is Mark doing? He and I stayed in touch for a while but as with everyone else, we haven't been in contact recently. When did he become Chief of Staff?'

'Just about a year ago,' Susan said thinking back. 'You do know he's married, don't you?'

'Yes, and he wrote me about the birth of his daughter.'

'Right. Ella was about four months old when he was promoted, so September or October of last year.'

'And his wife works at County as well, doesn't she?'

'Yes, Elizabeth is the Chief of Surgery. You'd like her very much.'

'I feel bad. After being gone so long to just appear again.'

'Your friends will be very happy to see you,' Susan reassured Carol. 'And I want you to know I will help you with anything that you may need.'

'Thank you. I really appreciate your letting me stay here. Maybe we can split your rent?'

'I actually own the unit, so don't worry about it.' Sensing Carol's desire to contribute, Susan suggested, 'But you can help with groceries if you'd like.'

'OK,' Carol agreed.

They sat in silence for a few moments before Susan asked, 'Have you had your injuries looked at or treated?'

'No, it wasn't anything serious and I didn't want stories to get around at work. I just took care of it.'

'I'm concerned about the extent of the injuries now if a simple hug hurts.'

'It's a broken rib,' Carol admitted. 'I already know that.'

'Would you let me take a look?' All was quiet for a few moments before Susan added, 'It would make me feel better. In case there is anything serious.'

Carol finally agreed, and started to unbutton her shirt.

Susan breathed in sharply when she saw the state of Carol's back. 'That bad?' Carol asked, softly.

It wasn't just the new bruises and swelling that upset Susan, but rather the old bruises and scarring. She hated to see that anyone had been abused, but especially a close friend. 'How did you travel?' Susan asked, unable to imagine the pain when Carol leaned back.

'It wasn't easy,' Carol admitted. 'But I knew I was getting away so that made it a little more bearable.'

'I have icepacks in the freezer if you need to use them.'

'Thanks,'

Feeling Carol's ribs gently Susan asked, 'On which side is the broken rib?'

'Left,' Carol said, wincing slightly.

'I think you may have a broken rib on the right side as well.'

'It wouldn't surprise me, I landed on my back.'

'How did it happen?'

'I fell...He...He pushed me down the stairs. He..I, I didn't have dinner ready on time. I knew...I wanted to save more money but I just couldn't stay any longer. I...Never mind, it's stupid.'

'It's not stupid,'

'I was more afraid of what he would do if I left than of what he could do if I stayed.'

'That makes sense. Is that why you decided to get the restraining order?'

Carol nodded, 'It was just too dangerous. He was...is out of control. I'd rationalised it for too long but finally I just couldn't take it anymore.'

'What happened? Do you know why he's out of control?'

'He has a bad drinking problem, and he is a violent drunk.'

'I'm glad you left. And that you knew you could come back to Chicago and be welcomed. It takes courage to leave and I'm proud of you for having that courage.'

'Thank you.' Carol paused for a moment before adding. 'For a while I had a hard time deciphering between courage and being cowardly but then something just clicked and I withdrew some money from an account I had set up and went down to the court. And here I am.'

The next day both Susan and Carol slept in after having talked until the early hours of the morning. The majority of the day was spent talking, but on lighter topics, Generally the sort of catching up that one would expect to occur between friends who hadn't seen one another for some time. Towards the late afternoon, they shifted their discussion to the kitchen so they could begin to prepare dinner.

'So Doug gets spoiled by having you cook for him?' Carol asked with a smile as she prepared the salad.

'We take turns. He's actually turned into quite the cook. I think he learned that he couldn't live on take out and microwavable dinners.'

'He's always known how to cook, he just never wanted to.'

'Yeah, that sounds like Doug.'

'In some ways he has changed quite a bit since you were her but in others he is still the same Doug.'

'Yeah, I sensed that from some of his letters and stories that people would relate to me. I'm proud of him, I really am.'

'I am too.'

'When he called earlier did you tell him that I was here?'

'No, did you want me too? I can still call him on his cell.'

'Nahh, I'm looking forward to surprising him.'

'Are you nervous?

'Yeah,' Carol admitted. 'I know he'll be shocked, but I don't think there's any reason that he wouldn't want to see me.' Carol was more nervous than she'd let on, but mainly because she wasn't sure what to expect. Worst of all, she couldn't predict what her own reaction to seeing him would be. She hadn't been very comfortable around men since the rape, but this was Doug. She knew she could trust him, but wasn't sure if she'd have any control over her body's reaction.

'I agree,' Susan said, pausing to think of the more than a few occasions where Doug had asked if she'd heard from Carol. 'Do you want to answer the door?'

'I don't think I'm quite that brave. Plus that might be too much of a shock.'

'Fair enough. I'll answer it and then bring him in to say hello.'

'OK, that sounds like a plan.'

Around 6:30 the doorbell rang and Susan went to answer it. It was Doug, and he had a bottle of wine. Accepting the wine and Doug's standard, friendly kiss, Susan said, 'An old friend is in town so she'll be joining us for dinner. I didn't think you'd mind.'

'Of course not,' Doug said, taking off his jacket. 'Should I have brought a second bottle?'

'I have some if we need it.' Doug followed Susan into the den as she said, 'Come. I want you to say hello.'

As they walked into the den, Doug couldn't believe his eyes. 'Carol,' he said, shocked. It had been quite some time since he'd heard from her and he really had begun to wonder if he'd ever see her again. 'I didn't know you were coming to Chicago for a visit,' he added as he went to give her a hug.

He couldn't help but notice that she tensed up when he put his arms around her and he looked into her eyes for some clue. Her eyes, however, revealed little and she said simply, 'It was a bit of a last minute decision.'

'Well it's great to see you. It's been...'

'A long time, I know. I'm sorry.'

'Don't be,' Doug reassured her. He couldn't put his finger on it but he knew something was wrong. This wasn't the old Carol. Carol had grown a lot in the years that they had worked together at County but now it seemed as if she was a shell of her former self; lacking in confidence. 'It's hard to keep in touch in this crazy busy world. Tell me. What have you been up to? Where are you living?'

After a few more questions and answers, Susan could tell that Carol was getting overwhelmed so she said, 'Anyone getting hungry?'

'Definitely,' Doug said, and Susan looked to Carol.

'I'll be there in sec, I just want to wash up,' Carol said as she quickly left the room.

'Is she OK?' Doug asked, concerned.

'I honestly don't know,' Susan admitted.

'What can I do to help?'

'I'm not sure there is anything that either of us can do yet.'

'It's almost as if she's evading the questions, or trying to.'

'It's not your fault because you didn't know, but I just don't think she's ready for the questions.'

'Yeah, I got that impression, I never meant for her to feel as if I were interrogating her.'

'I know you didn't, you were just curious.'

'I asked because I care about her, because I was worried.'

'I am too,' Susan said.

A few minutes later, they heard footsteps and Carol came into the kitchen. It looked as if she'd washed her face and to Susan, it looked as if she'd been crying. 'Are you OK?' she mouthed.

Carol nodded slightly before asking, 'What can I do?'

'We're all ready, just need drinks.'

'Which I've got covered,' Doug said as he uncorked the wine he'd brought. 'Three?'

'I think I'm just going to have water,' Carol said, 'Sorry.'

'That's OK,' Doug said, filling the other two glasses. 'We can still have a toast.' And as they sat, he began that toast. 'To good friends.'

'Welcome back,' Susan added. 'Welcome home,'

'Thank you. Both of you'

'You're welcome,' Doug said. 'And I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable with my questions, I was just concerned.'

'I know, and I'm sorry for overreacting it's just,' Carol trailed off as she found herself unable to fight the tears that came to her eyes.

'You don't have to explain,' Doug said, reaching for Carol's hand.

'Thanks,' Carol said, wiping her eyes. 'I will, just, not tonight. It's all too much.'

'OK,' said Susan, refilling Carol's water glass. 'You know we'll always be here to listen.'

'I do, and I really appreciate it.'

After they ate, Doug and Carol offered to clean up. 'It's only fair, you did most of the cooking,' Carol said. 'You said you wanted to take a shower earlier and never got the chance. Now you do.'

'Are you sure?'

'Absolutely, and we'll get dessert ready while you shower.'

'Thank you.'

As Doug and Carol began to clean up, Carol said hesitantly, 'You have every right to say no after the way I acted tonight, but, I was wondering, do you want to get together sometime in the next few days? I want to talk to you, to explain things, but I'm just not up for it tonight.'

'I would never say no, you know that. And I would love to. I am off tomorrow, would that work?'

'Sure, I don't have anything set until Monday. How about in the afternoon since Susan will be at work?'

'Sure, I'll pick you up around 4?'

'I can take the El.'

'Why? When I have a car,' Doug said with a smile.

'I don't want you to have to go out of your way.'

'It's no trouble, plus I moved and I live about 5 minutes from here, seven with traffic, so it's very close. Is there anywhere special you want to go, or anything you want to do?'

'Just someplace that we can talk.'

'I think I know the place,' Doug said. 'And never feel that you have to tell me anything that you're not ready to.'

'I know,' Carol said, already looking forward to the next day. Tonight had been hard but she knew it would get easier.

-26 January 2003

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	2. You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This: Part 2

This is Part 2 of _You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This_, please see Part 1 for the relevant background information. To refresh your memory, Carol returned to Chicago after a long time away, and caught up with both Susan and Doug. This piece starts the day after Part 1 ended, or 30 November 2002.

There is some discussion of non-consensual heterosexual sex, so if this offends you, feel free to skip this and I can mail you a summary.

As always, thanks go to Jo for being a loyal beta reader and my LJ ER Fic Filter for all your suggestions. Also, thanks to everyone for the information I needed. Characters, etc, not mine, no money. You know that. Gabriela is a former girlfriend of Doug's and Steven is, well, you'll see who he is.

E-Mail me with any questions or comments that you may have.

You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This Part II: To New Beginnings

Before Susan left for work, she stuck her head in the guest room, where Carol was reading a book. 'I'm on my way out, I'll see you when I get home. I should be back by 10:30. Have a good afternoon with Doug.'

'Thanks, hope work isn't too crazy.'

'Me too.'

Doug hadn't given too many clues as to where they would be going so before he left the previous night, Carol had asked, 'What should I wear tomorrow?'

Doug had thought for a moment before answering, 'Just about anything is OK. If we end up where I think we will, it's fairly casual.'

So on that advice, Carol chose a pair of flat-front black pants with a light blue sweater. She wore her hair loose and only put on a dash of make up. It was an odd feeling as she hadn't been out with any other man, other than Tag, in nine years, and before Tag, it had been Doug. Even though she knew this wasn't a date, she still had the typical pre-date butterflies. She had been shocked when Doug said yes, she'd expected him to say no.

'No, that's not true,' she thought to herself. 'Doug wouldn't say no unless he already had other plans.'

She enjoyed the feelings, even if they were mixed. She was looking forward to an evening out with Doug even if just to catch up on lost time and hear about him being surprisingly without a girlfriend.

Just before 4, the doorbell rang and when Carol opened it, she was surprised to see that Doug had flowers. 'Thank you,' she said, admiring the beautiful bouquet of assorted fall flowers. 'You didn't have to.'

'I know,' Doug said, 'I wanted to.'

'They're beautiful. You don't happen to know where Susan keeps her vases, do you? I definitely want to put them in water.'

'I know she used to have one in the cabinet above the fridge,' Doug said as they walked toward the kitchen.

They quickly found a vase and Carol said, 'I'm going to put them in the guest room, I need something to add a little colour to the room.'

'Sure,' Doug nodded.

A minute or two later, Carol was back and she said, 'Let me just get my jacket and then I'll be ready.'

'Take your time,' Doug said, retrieving Carol's jacket as she got her purse. Carol lifted her hair out of the way as Doug helped her with her jacket and as she did so, Doug saw something he hated to see on any woman, especially Carol. He couldn't see the bruising to the extent that Susan had seen it, but he saw enough. He wanted to let Carol tell him things at her own pace, so for the moment, he chose to say nothing about it.

'So where are we going?' Carol asked.

'Just a small café that I really like for starters. We can decide if we want to go somewhere else after.'

The café was no more than ten minutes from Susan's house, and as they walked in, the man, who Carol presumed to be the owner, said 'Good afternoon, Dr. Ross.'

'Hi Mario. I'd like you to meet my friend Carol Hathaway.'

'It's my pleasure. Welcome.'

'Thank you, it's very nice to meet you.'

The café was nearly empty as it was, but Mario said, 'Your table is ready, as you asked.'

'Thank you,' Doug said, as they followed Mario to the back corner booth. It was around the corner from the main booths, useful for having conversations. Sometimes, they service was a bit slower if the servers forgot people were seated there, but this was fine. Doug never sat at this table if he was in a rush.

'Any drinks?' Mario asked.

'Just a coffee for me,' Doug said.

'Make that two, please,' Carol added.

'Certainly.'

When Mario came back with their coffee, he asked, 'Do you need a little more time?'

'I'm ready,' Carol said. When Doug indicated that he was as well, she continued. 'The soup and sandwich special, please.'

'We have two soups today, cream of broccoli and chicken noodle. Which would you prefer?'

'Broccoli,'

'And for you, Doctor?'

'I'll have my usual.'

After he left, Carol took a deep breath and said, 'I'm sorry about how I reacted to questions yesterday. They just took me by surprise. You can ask me whatever you want today.'

'I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, and I don't want you to have to talk about anything you don't want to.'

'It's OK. I, it sounds kind of selfish, but I need someone to talk to.'

'That's not selfish at all, and I'm happy to help you in any way I can.'

'Thanks. I'll assume you figured out that Tag and I split up?'

'Yeah, I noticed you weren't wearing rings, and since you're living at Susan's, I guessed you came without him.'

'Today is what, Saturday? I left him on Tuesday night. I walked out on him and the marriage, well, what was left of it. It hasn't been an easy few years,' she added, unable to meet Doug's glance.

'I know,' Doug said, reaching for her hand across the table.

'Know what?' Carol asked, puzzled.

'I saw the bruises.'

Carol looked down in shame, but Doug lifted her chin gently and said, 'It isn't your fault, you have nothing to be ashamed of.'

'I was stupid for staying with him. How many times would I see someone walk into the ER who had been abused but would not leave?' Carol teared up a bit and frustrated, wiped them away.

'It's not that simple,' Doug said, reaching for Carol's hand. 'When you're personally involved, it's not as easy to sort out right from wrong. It's not easy to follow your own advice, even if you know it's what you should do.'

Carol nodded slightly, and Doug could see the tears glistening in her eyes. 'I was afraid,' she said softly. 'I thought it would have been worse if I left than if I stayed'

'How could it have been worse?'

'I didn't have any place to go, and I couldn't handle facing a shelter. We were living in a small town where everyone knows each other.'

Doug nodded in sympathetic encouragement and asked, 'How did you get the courage to leave?'

'He came home early on Tuesday, very drunk, and it was worse than ever. That fight was what caused most of the bruising that you saw. I just decided I couldn't put myself through this anymore. He passed out and I took what I could carry and left. I got an order of protection, but decided to get out of town to be safer.'

'That was a very smart idea. Do you worry that he'll come after you?'

'I don't know,' Carol said honestly. ' I don't know what he's capable of anymore. To be safe I have the order of protection here as well. I'm not sure he'd think I'd come back here though.'

'Promise me something?'

Carol just nodded.

'If you hear any thing, if there is any sign of him here. Please let me know. I want to make sure you're safe.'

'I will, thank you.'

'I feel bad, I missed the signs when you visited.'

'He hadn't started... hadn't started hitting yet. Then, when it all started, when it happened more, we travelled less and less.'

Doug nodded sadly, 'You know that if I ever got my hands on him, both his hands would be broken.'

'I don't doubt that in the slightest. There were times I would have done it myself if I'd had the physical strength.'

At that moment, Mario came back with their meals. 'Do you need anything else?'

'No, thank you.'

'Enjoy your meal.'

As he walked away, they started to eat. Doug asked Carol, 'How is the soup?'

'Delicious, how are your ribs?'

'As good as always. Did you want to try one?'

'I can't'

Doug looked baffled, 'An allergy?'

Carol slowly opened her mouth to what could be called a smile if there were any emotion behind it. This showed several missing teeth on the bottom and one on top, towards the side. 'I don't think I could bite it,' she explained.

'He punched you?!'

Carol nodded sadly, biting her lower lip to keep the tears temporarily at bay.

'The son of a bitch!'

If Doug had been angry before, it didn't compare to how he felt now. He could never have been called a saint, but he would never hit a woman. It infuriated him to think of Carol standing there and Tag taking a swing at her. When he looked back over at Carol, he saw a tear trickling down her cheek. 'I'm sorry,' she whispered.

Doug knew she had been jumpy when he hugged her the previous night, and he didn't want to upset her anymore, but he couldn't resist reaching over and hugging her.

She tensed up almost immediately. Doug knew something was wrong and looked in her eyes. 'I still have some explaining to do,' Carol said, by way of clarification. 'But it's not you, I swear.'

'I believe you,' Doug said. 'I don't want to upset you more.'

'We'll talk, just, not here. I'll get too emotional.'

'OK,' Doug said, moving back around to his side of the table. When he wasn't using his hand to eat, he held Carol's across the table. He didn't want to hurt her, but also didn't want her to feel needlessly alone, and she seemed OK with handholding.

'Thank you,' Carol said, after a few moments. 'I came back out of nowhere and both you and Susan have gone out of your way to help me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.'

'You don't have to thank me,' Doug said. 'You know that I'm always here for you. I may not have shown that in the past, but I swear to do everything I can to make up for that.'

'You don't have to make up for anything,' Carol said. 'I know you've changed. I saw it in your letters and from stories that people told me. What's past is past. We both made mistakes and we can't change that. And anyway, you're still one of my closest friends, no matter what happened then. And right now good friends is what I need.'

Doug nodded and said, 'Thank you.'

As they finished eating, Doug said, 'Did you want to go back to my place to talk or have you had enough talking for today?'

'No, no. I want to talk, and if you don't have any plans, it would be great before I lose my nerve.'

'I don't have plans at all this weekend.'

'What, Doug Ross with no dates?' Carol asked in mock horror. She was surprised that she was able to smile, despite all that had been going on.

'I'm through playing the dating game. I'm too old for that,' Doug laughed, as they walked out to the car. 'What am I supposed to do? Go hang out at clubs? Nahh, that's for people in their 20s. If I meet someone, great, but I'm not going to hunt someone out.'

'I can't imagine dating again,' Carol said. 'I don't think I'd know what to do either.'

'So you, Susan, and I can be County's Lonely Hearts Club.'

'Sounds like a plan,' Carol laughed. 'If I get hired at County, that is.'

'I doubt you'll have any trouble. Susan told you that Mark is Chief of Staff, didn't she?'

'Yeah, but she said she needs to talk to the head of nursing first. She doesn't think there will be any trouble either, especially since they need nurses, but I'm still nervous.'

'I don't blame you. And speaking of Mark, does he know you're back yet?'

'No. The only people I've seen are you and Susan. I'm not ready to see everyone yet, it would be a little overwhelming. I suppose I'll have to call him before an interview is set up though.'

'Or you could just give him the surprise of his life,' Doug said mischievously. 'When you set up the appointment, just give the secretary your first name and then see the look on his face when you go for the interview.'

'I could go for that, as long as no one lets it slip first.'

'My lips are sealed, and I'm sure Susan's would be as well as she is always looking to pull one over on Mark. I think he got her good last time so he has one coming to him.'

'And the look on his face should be amusing. I didn't really get to see any look on Susan's face as I left a message on her voice mail to let her know I was back. I wish I'd had a camera when you walked in last night. Did you know someone else was going to be there at all?'

'Not at all. When I arrived, Susan said an old friend had come to visit and then added that she wanted me to say hi. That was it and we walked into the den. I was expecting it to be a stranger.'

'I didn't want her to tell you it was me. I was nervous, but I wanted to surprise you.'

'I'm glad you did, it was a great surprise. I'd honestly begun to worry if I'd ever see you again. I missed you,' Doug admitted.

'I missed you too. All of you. That's part of why, when I decided to leave, I chose to come back to Chicago. I knew I had people I could go to. I couldn't face starting alone in a new place. Even here, answering questions about where Tag is and why I'm back will be easier than explaining why at almost 40, I'm there, alone, and out of nowhere.'

'Makes sense.' Doug said. 'Is your mom still here in Chicago?'

'No, she moved to a retirement community in Florida a few years back. She'd had enough of the Chicago winters and once she realised there wouldn't be grandchildren to fill the house, she decided to sell it.'

'That makes sense, it was a big house,' Doug said as he opened the door to his townhouse. 'Welcome to my humble abode.'

'It's very nice,' Carol said, looking around. As she walked into the living room she saw a framed picture of a boy in his early teens on the mantel. After looking closely at the photo, she turned to Doug and asked, 'Is that your son?'

'Yep,' Doug said. 'You're not the only one with news. I got in contact with his mother about four years ago.'

'The last you'd mentioned it to me, you were thinking about making contact but I didn't realise you had.'

'I didn't tell anyone when I made the decision because I was too afraid of rejection. And then I wanted to tell you after he contacted me, but that wasn't something to go in a letter so I kept waiting to tell you in person.'

'I understand. Do you ever get to see him?'

'Quite a bit. They live about an hour from here so I'll go there or he'll come here a few times a month. We don't have any strict visitation plans so just go with what he wants and our schedules.'

'I'm very happy for you, and proud of you. Was it easy to find him?'

'I hired someone to track them down and then sent a letter with my address, e-mail and phone number. I wrote the main letter to Gabriela and enclosed a letter to Steven. That way if she chose to tell him, he'd have his own letter from me. He called me about a week after I'd sent the letter. I was so surprised to hear from him because I wasn't sure if Gabriela would let him contact me, or if he'd want to.'

'Well I'm very glad things worked out the way they did. Fathers and sons need one another.'

'As I got older, I realised that more than I did when I was younger. I was no saint and thought he'd be better off without the negative role model I'd be, but then I decided that I'd let him make the choice. It hasn't always been smooth sailing but we can't change the past, so we just tried to start fresh.'

'That's the best idea in these situations. Start with what you can do, not what you can't change.'

'And just be happy for the chance,' Doug added. 'Just like I'm happy for this chance to reconnect.'

'As am I.'

'Do you want anything to drink? Coffee, tea, milkshake?'

'A milkshake sounds good right about now. I'm still a little hungry and that will fill me up.'

'I have food if you want something else to eat.'

'A milkshake will be fine.'

'Still prefer chocolate?'

'A lot of things may have changed in the last eight years, but that is not one of them.'

'We need some constants,' Doug added as he put everything in the blender.

'While you do that, can you point me to your bathroom?'

'Oh sure, it's down the hall on the left. And I promise, it's clean enough that you don't have to wear shower shoes.'

'You sure about that?'

'I promise,' Doug laughed.

When Carol came back a few moments later, she said, 'I am impressed.'

'I told you,' Doug called from the living room. 'I may be a bachelor, but this place definitely doesn't look like it.'

'It's cleaner than my house ever was, or ever will be,' Carol said as she sat beside Doug on the couch.

'Well to be fair, I can't take all the credit,' Doug admitted. 'The cleaning lady did come yesterday.'

'I knew it. No male is ever this neat. It's genetically impossible.'

'Probably,' Doug admitted. 'Since we didn't toast earlier, let's toast now,' he added, raising his plastic cup. 'To new beginnings.'

'To new beginnings,' Carol agreed, as their glasses clicked.

About half an hour later, Carol was fighting back tears as she started to recount the story of the rape to Doug. She hadn't necessarily wanted to tell him because she knew he'd be angry, but at the same time, she knew she owed it to him to tell him the whole truth. Doug was furious, of course, but he tried to hold back his anger for Carol's sake. She needed support, not to deal with him flying off the handle. His instinct had been to put his arms around her, but knowing that was hard for her to handle, he offered his hand, and she took it.

'How long ago did this happen?' Doug asked.

'Almost two and a half years ago. I know, I should be over it now, but I'm not.'

'There is never a time where you should feel anything or not. And since you didn't have much support, it's going to be harder.'

'I didn't have any support. Tag blamed me for it and there wasn't really anyone I could go to because a lot of my friends were Tag's friends as well, from work.'

'He blamed you for it?' Doug asked, surprised beyond belief.

Carol nodded sadly, 'He said I must have seduced Karl. That was his friend's name, Karl.'

'Didn't he hear the truth when you pressed charges?'

'I couldn't' Carol said, looking down at the floor. 'He wouldn't let me. He said he'd make me pay for the rest of my life if I damaged his friend's career.'

Doug gently lifted her chin and tried to get her to meet his gaze. 'Look at me,' he said, finally. Carol finally did, and Doug said, 'You cannot blame yourself. This was not your fault.'

'My head knows that, but I still feel guilty. That was the final straw in our marriage and I can't help but blame myself for the ending of our marriage, even before I walked out on him.'

'It was Tag's fault, or Karl's. Not yours, not at all,' Doug gently reminded her. 'Please tell me you were checked out after?'

'I was,' Carol said. 'I couldn't face telling anyone that I had been raped, especially not anyone at work so I scheduled an appointment with a new gynecologist, someone with no connection to the hospital. I said that I wanted to be tested for STDs as I'd found out my husband had cheated on me and she gave me a pregnancy test. It all came back negative.'

'I'm glad for that at least. But didn't your doctor see the bruises when she did the exam?'

'The physical abuse didn't start until after the rape. And I haven't seen a doctor since then, well, other than Susan checking me out the other night.'

'Was there a connection between the rape and the abuse?' Doug asked, gently. After a few minutes of silence with Carol not looking up from the floor, Doug continued, 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you.'

'It's OK,' Carol said, looking up enough for Doug to see the tears making their way down her cheeks. 'This is just the first time I've really talked about it in depth, and it's hard. I mean, I went to counselling, but that was different.'

'I can't imagine how hard it must be,' Doug said, using his other hand to gently wipe some of the tears from Carol's face. 'Take your time, and we can stop any time.'

'I want to tell you, I need to. Just so you can understand why I sometimes react the way I do.'

'And I want to help you by listening. I know I wasn't there to help when it happened, but I want to be there for you now.'

'Thank you, it means a lot.' A few moments later, Carol continued her story. 'Tag started to hit me because after the rape, I just couldn't be with him. Even though it wasn't 'stranger rape' which is what usually causes that fear, I was still afraid. And that infuriated him. He viewed me as his property and believed he had the 'right' to have what he wanted when he wanted it and when I refused to sleep with him or anything he just started to hit me.'

'Like that would make you want to be with him more,' Doug commented.

'Even when it's someone you have no reason to fear,' Carol commented sadly. 'I know you'd never hurt me, but I'm still jumpy and I can't explain or even control it.'

'It's natural, and I promise you, I don't take it personally,' Doug said, holding Carol's hand between both of his. 'I don't want to make you feel more uncomfortable so I won't give you a hug or anything. But if you want one, just tell me.'

'OK,' Carol said, taking a deep breath. The still painful broken ribs caused her to flinch, and Doug showed his concern. Realising that he was being courteous and not asking, Carol offered an explanation. 'I have two broken ribs so deep breathing is painful.'

Fuming at the thought of Tag hitting Carol that hard, Doug was speechless for a few moments.

She continued a little bit later. 'I had been so worried about telling you, I feel so much better now that I finally told you.'

'Why were you worried about telling me?'

'I didn't know how you'd react, and I wasn't sure if you'd think less of me. I mean, I know deep down that it wouldn't change anything, but there is always that fear. Do you know what I mean?'

He nodded sympathetically. 'I think it's amazing that you've been through so much without help. I can't believe you've handled it all so well.'

'I'm really not that brave, although it may seem that way on the outside.'

'You are, despite what you may believe. You had the courage to leave and come back to where you knew you were safe. That takes a lot of courage.'

'Thank you,' Carol said.

-4 February 2003

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	3. You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This: Part 3

This is Part 3 of You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This, please see Part 1 for the relevant background information. To refresh your memory, Carol returned to Chicago after a long time away, and caught up with both Susan and Doug. This piece starts on Thursday, several days after Part 2 ended, or 5 December.

As always, thanks go to Jo for being a loyal beta reader, Lori for her feedback on the Mark/Carol/Ella scene, and my LJ ER Fic Filter for all your suggestions. Also, thanks to everyone for the information I needed. Characters, etc, not mine, no money. Sheila is Mark's secretary, Michelle is Elizabeth's and Cathy is the nursing supervisor.

Mail me with any questions or comments that you may have.

You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This: Part 3 - Back to County

--

As Carol walked through the doors of County for the first time since she'd left more than eight years ago, she was surprised by the butterflies in her stomach. She'd deliberately not used the ER entrance as she wasn't ready to see everyone yet, but was still worried about who she might run into in the halls.

As far as she knew, the secret was safe. The head of nursing, although new, acknowledged County's need for a strong nurse in the ER and was pleased by the recommendations of Doug, Susan and the former Head of Nursing, who remembered Carol very well. The meeting with Mark wasn't a requirement, but he liked to meet new hires, just to make the process official. His secretary had been advised of the plan, so she didn't question it when Carol called for an appointment and gave only her first name and the appointment was at 1 PM on Thursday.

Carol walked into Mark's secretary's office and Sheila asked, 'May I help you?'

'My name is Carol. I'm here for a 1 PM appointment with Dr. Greene.'

'Oh, of course. Please take a seat and I'll let him know you're here.'

Carol sat and looked around the room, thinking more about how much had changed since she'd left. When she'd moved away, Mark was an ER Resident whose wife was trying to get him into private practice, and now he was remarried, had a baby girl, and was Chief of Staff.

When Carol heard the door to Mark's inner office open, she quickly turned in that direction just in time to catch the look of surprise on Mark's face. 'Surprised?' she asked with a laugh as she stood to greet him.

'Doesn't begin to cover it,' Mark said, giving her a hug. Carol tensed, but not as much as she had in the past, and Mark didn't notice. 'Did I miss something? When did you come back to Chicago?' he asked, as they walked into his office.

'It was a surprise to everyone, I got back last week.'

'Welcome back. When the nursing supervisor called and told me she'd met with a new candidate and said the name was Carol, I thought of you and realised how long it had been since we were in touch. But, I never thought it would be you.'

'Well that was the point. Susan says to tell you gotcha'

'She got me good,' Mark admitted. 'But this is one I didn't mind. Who else was in on it?'

'Just Doug. It was their idea to surprise you. And then we filled in your secretary and the nursing supervisor just so they wouldn't give anything away.'

'I figured it would be their idea. Is this why the supervisor was insisting that I had to meet you?'

'I didn't know she was.'

'Yeah. I've been busy this week because I just came back from vacation and I wasn't sure I'd have time to meet you. I told her I trusted her decision for the new hire and would meet you when you started, but she insisted that we meet.'

'I'm sorry to have made things more complicated for you.'

'No, no,' Mark said, 'I'm so excited to see you. Tell me, what have you been doing?'

'Not much. Working as a nurse in Massachusetts where we lived. That's about all. How about you?'

'Well, I told you about Ella, right?'

'Yes, and you sent me a photo last Christmas. She's beautiful.'

'And she's grown so much since then,' Mark said, turning around one of the photos on his desk so Carol could see it. 'This was taken about two weeks ago.'

'She looks so much like you.' Unable to resist, Carol added, 'But she already has more hair.'

'Don't you know the rule?' Mark asked, 'No picking on me in the first ten minutes of a conversation.'

'All these new rules. How will I ever learn?'

'You will. Since we really don't need to have this meeting, would you like to meet Elizabeth if she's in her office? And then we could go to the day care and you could meet Ella if you'd like.'

'I'd love to,' Carol said. 'I'm so sorry I couldn't make it in for the wedding.'

'I understood,' Mark said, although he had been shocked when Carol had said she wouldn't be coming. 'Doctors schedules can be like that.'

'Oh, oh yes,' Carol said, remembering the excuse she'd given, that Tag had been unable to get time off.

Mark noticed her hesitation, but decided not to say anything about it. Instead, he asked, 'Will Tag be coming back to County as well?'

'No,' Carol said.

'Mercy, then? Or has he gone into private practice by now?'

'He's still in Massachusetts.'

'Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.'

'It's OK, I didn't expect you to.'

'Well I'm glad you came back to Chicago, with or without him.' As they walked out the door Mark said to Sheila, 'I'll be back in a little while.'

'OK,'

As they waited for the elevator, Mark said, 'Did you want to start this week or next?'

'Cathy had asked if I could start tomorrow since someone is taking their vacation starting then.'

'Ahh OK, she didn't tell me that. Or if she did, I forgot.'

As they walked to Elizabeth's office, Mark asked Michelle, 'Is Elizabeth in?'

'Yes, she just got out of a meeting.'

'OK, thanks', Mark said, walking to knock on the inner door before opening it. Elizabeth looked up as they walked in. She vaguely recognised the woman with Mark but couldn't place where she knew her from. 'Elizabeth, I'd like you to finally meet Carol Hathaway. You've both heard so much about each other so Elizabeth Carol, Carol Elizabeth.'

'Pleasure to finally meet you,' Elizabeth said, coming around her desk to shake Carol's hand.

'Same here. I was just saying to Mark, Ella is beautiful.'

'Thank you. You guys came from the day care?'

'No, not yet,' Mark said. 'But we were going to head there. Have you been up there yet today?'

'No,' Elizabeth said, sighing. 'I've been in one meeting after another all morning and then am scheduled to scrub in for an appendectomy in ten minutes.'

'I forgot today was a full day for you. We'll let you go so you can have a few minutes peace. I just wanted to introduce you two.'

'I'm glad you stopped by. Carol, are you in Chicago for a few days? I'd love for the three of us to have the chance for a coffee or dinner.'

Carol laughed and said, 'I'll actually be working here, down in the ER so we'll have plenty of time. And I'd like that as well. I'm staying with Susan for the time being so I assume both of you will know how to reach me there?'

'Yes,' Elizabeth said. 'And welcome, or welcome back to County.'

'Thank you.'

Mark asked, 'Are you off at 5 or 5:30?'

'5:30'

'OK, I'm off at 5 so I'll collect Ella and then we'll meet you up here.'

'Great.'

Mark and Carol walked down to the day care centre and Carol said, 'That must make it nice and convenient to work in the same place. Do you often have the same schedules?'

'One of the perks of being Chiefs of Staff and Surgery,' Mark said, grinning. 'We try to match up as best as possible so we can have time at home with Ella but occasionally we're on opposite shifts. That can come in handy though, if Ella is sick or if the day care is closed.'

'I can imagine it would. I like Elizabeth, she seems really nice.'

'Thanks.'

They'd arrived at the day care and Mark paused outside the door, just to watch Ella before walking in and breaking her concentration. Ella was sitting on the edge of the carpet, holding on to her stuffed rabbit with one hand, and a book in the other. 'How old is she now?' Carol asked.

'Almost 19 months.'

Mark opened the door and nodded to the staff as they walked in. 'Ella,' he called softly, so as not to startle her.

'Daddy,' she squealed, dropping her book and toy and running over. Spotting Carol and suddenly growing shy she asked, 'Who's that?'

Carol knelt down to her level and Mark said, 'This is Daddy's friend Carol. Can you say hi?'

'Hi,' Ella said softly, peeking out from behind Mark's legs.

'Hi,' Carol said softly. 'Does your bunny have a name?'

'Bugs'

'Great name. Does Bugs like to read too?'

'He doesn't know how, he's too little.'

'Can you teach him?'

'Maybe,' Ella said, smiling. Turning to Mark, she asked, 'Are we going home?'

'Not yet, mommy and I still have to work.'

'OK,'

'I just wanted to come up and say hi to you.'

'Can I go back and play?'

'Sure,' Mark said, giving her a kiss. 'Can you say goodbye to Carol?'

'Bye Ca-uhl'

Carol smiled, 'Bye Ella'

As Mark and Carol walked back towards his office, Carol said, 'She is adorable.'

'Yeah, I think so,' Mark grinned. 'So about what Elizabeth said, would you be interested in having dinner with us one evening? We can either get a sitter for Ella and go to a restaurant or have dinner at our house after she's gone to bed.'

'Sure, I'd like that. Eating at your place is fine so you don't have to go through the trouble of finding a sitter.' With a laugh, she added, 'And Susan gives me kitchen privileges so I can bring something as well.'

'How long have you been staying at Susan's?'

'I got back to Chicago last Thursday and we met for dinner. She invited me to stay with her immediately, she didn't want me to stay in a hotel.'

'You even considered staying in a hotel?'

'Yeah, I came back somewhat unexpectedly and wasn't really sure who I'd catch up with or when. To be honest I've been really bad about keeping in touch with everyone and I wasn't even sure who was still in Chicago. You're not listed, Doug's number from information is out of service, but I reached Susan.'

'We should be listed,' Mark said. 'We moved about six weeks ago and I didn't think it would take that long to get listed with information. At any rate,' Mark said, jotting down a number on a piece of paper. 'Here are the numbers for the house and my cell.'

'Thanks,' Carol said, tucking the paper into her purse.

'Do you want me to keep my ears open if I hear of any apartments? Or have you found a place already?'

Carol thought a moment before answering. 'If you hear of anything, please let me know. I may need to work for a bit before I can move in though.'

'OK, I'll still keep my ears open. If there is anything else you need,' Mark started, but then hesitated, not wanting to offend Carol.

'Thank you, I really appreciate everyone's help since I've been back. I never could have expected anything like this after so little contact in the past few years.'

'That's what friends are for,' Mark said, seriously. 'I knew that you'd contact us when you could. I was worried though.'

The story had gotten a bit easier to tell in the past week, but since they were at the hospital, Carol still planned to tell only the edited version. 'Do you have a few minutes?'

'Sure,' Mark said, sitting in the chair next to Carol.

Nervously, twirling the pen, Carol told Mark a brief account of what had happened. She left out most of the details, including any mention of the rape, but by the end of her story Mark, like Susan and Doug, wanted to hurt Tag. 'I am so sorry to hear all you have been through,' Mark said, offering a hug. 'If you hear any news of Tag being in Chicago, please let me know. I have some friends on Chicago PD who can probably help.'

'I will, thank you. The threat of Tag is part of the reason I'm cautious about looking for a place to live. I'm going to see if I can find somewhere that has some form of security, whether a doorman or something else.'

'That's a smart decision. Are you travelling alone on the El?'

'Yes, but I'm not worried about that. As of now, I know he's still in Massachusetts. I called the hospital yesterday and he is still working and hasn't been absent. If I find that he has left, or may be in Chicago, then I won't. I'm honestly not sure he'd think that I'd come back to Chicago, and I've warned the managers of the facility where my mother is living.'

'And we can notify security here as well. If you have a recent photo we can have it posted in the security booth.'

'I'll see what I can do about a photo, I didn't bring any with me,' Carol admitted.

'Don't worry about it if you can't, even the older photo on file here at the hospital would probably give a good enough idea to security.'

Just then Mark's intercom went off. 'Yes?'

'Your 3 PM is here.'

Carol glanced at her watch, shocked. 'I never meant to keep you this long.'

'Don't worry about it,' Mark said. 'I enjoyed the chance to catch up. I'll be in touch with you about dinner, and I'll come down to see you at work tomorrow. I'm glad you're back.'

'Thank you,' Carol said.

Susan got off work at 7. When she left the hospital, she'd called the house to see if Carol wanted her to pick up anything for dinner. She was surprised when there was no answer, but thought that maybe Carol had run out, or was in the shower.

She arrived home around 7:30, and the house was quiet, although there were a few lights on, a sign that Carol had been home after dark. She was walking back towards her bedroom when she noticed the guestroom door was closed, but a light showed under the door. Knocking softly, she asked, 'Carol, are you home?'

She didn't get an answer, but heard water running from the bathroom, and knocked again, this time a bit more loudly. Finally realising that Carol wasn't going to hear her with the water running, she went back to her bedroom to change.

Meanwhile in the guestroom's bathroom, Carol was rinsing her face. She'd thought Susan was working until 9 or so, and hadn't heard the phone ring earlier, so she'd had no advance warning. She was upset, but it wasn't anything she couldn't handle on her own, and didn't want to keep burdening Susan with her situation. She made a vow to herself that she would work through this part on her own.

A few minutes later, Susan walked back past the guest room and knocked again. 'Come in,' she heard Carol say this time. Carol took one look at her when she opened the door and asked, 'What's the matter?'

'Long day,' Susan said, sitting on the bed.

'What happened? You're home earlier than I thought you would be.'

'I wasn't feeling great. How did your meeting with Mark go? Was he surprised?'

'Yes, very, and we had a nice lunch. I met Ella and Elizabeth as well. But we can talk about that later. What's the matter, are you sick?' Carol asked, concerned, as she put her arm around Susan.

'Not really sick. I just have a bad migraine and it wasn't helped by the mountain of paperwork so I said enough was enough and came home.'

'Good idea, it would have only gotten worse. Why don't you go lie down and I'll bring you some water to keep by your bed.'

'Thanks,' Susan said, standing slowly. 'I had thought about picking up dinner but I honestly didn't feel up to stopping.'

'That's OK, I'm really not that hungry. Do you want soup or anything?'

'I'm not sure I could hold it down,' Susan said, lying down.

Carol pulled up the sheet and blanket and said, 'I'll be right back.'

She returned a few minutes later, and after putting the glass on Susan's nightstand, she pulled Susan's desk chair over next to the bed. 'Thanks, you don't have to stay with me.'

'I'll stay until you fall asleep, in case you need anything,' Carol said, switching off the light.

'Did Mark tell you when you start?'

'Tomorrow at 7:30.'

'I'm on at three, so I'll see you there.'

'Great. I look forward to working with you again. Thank you for getting me the job.'

'You got yourself the job. I just told you about it,' Susan said with a slight smile.

Carol was in the lounge at the end of her lunch break, putting some things into her locker. She heard the door open, but didn't pay much attention at first; people had been in and out all day. When she turned around, the other person was pouring herself a cup of coffee. 'It still tastes like mud, even all these years later,' she said, smiling.

Haleh slowly turned around, unable to believe the voice she was hearing. 'Carol!' she said, excitedly. You...You're the new nurse!?'

'That's the rumour I've heard all day.'

'Welcome back, girl,' Haleh said, walking over to give Carol a hug. 'We heard these horror stories of the new nurse. We were worried.'

'And you don't think you have to worry with me?'

'At least I know you. There are no worries of breaking in a new nurse. But tell me, where have you been?'

'Massachusetts is the short version. The long version will have to wait as my lunch is over in two minutes.'

'OK, I'm just glad you're back.'

A little past 4:30, Carol was in the lounge getting ready to leave when Doug came in. 'Did you survive?'

'Yeah, it was a good day, not too crazy but enough to keep me busy. I thought you were off?'

'I am, but Susan called me a little while ago. She needed a refill on her Compazine prescription so I came in to get it filled.'

'OK, thanks. I can take it home to her.'

'I was also wondering, after we check on Susan, did you want to go for drinks to celebrate your first day?'

'That sounds like a good idea, but if Susan is in really bad shape, I'm not sure I'll want to leave her alone again. So maybe we could get take out, or find something at the house?'

'Oh, of course. I didn't realise she was that sick. When she called she just told me she needed a refill.'

'She was pretty sick last night. I peeked in on her this morning, but I didn't want to wake her.'

Doug and Carol walked quietly into the house, not wanting to wake Susan. Carol was surprised to see the bed empty, until she noticed the bathroom door was partially shut. Heading to the closet, Doug said, 'I'm not sure she'll want me to see her if she's that sick. Why don't you check on her and I'll put fresh sheets on the bed?'

'OK,' Carol said, knocking softly on the bathroom door. 'Sus, it's me. Can I come in?' She barely heard Susan's soft reply, and opened the door. Susan's bathroom had an outer room with a counter and 2 sinks, which led to an inner room with the toilet and shower. Susan was in the inner room, leaning against the shower door. Her face was very pale, and Carol could tell that she'd been crying. Rushing to Susan's side, she crouched down and put an arm around her shoulders.

'I feel so sick,' Susan said, almost inaudibly.

'Is it the migraine, or something else?'

'Horrible migraine, nausea, no sleep,' Susan said, her voice shaking as she fought the tears.

Carol rubbed Susan's back gently. After a few moments, she reached for a washcloth off the shelf, wet it, and gently wiped Susan's face. 'Do you want to change?'

'OK'

'I'll be right back.'

Carol walked out to get a fresh pair of PJs and Doug, who was just finishing the bed, asked, 'How is she?'

'Not good.' As she chose a nightshirt she added, 'We'll be right out.'

After Carol helped Susan change she asked, 'Can you stand?'

'I don't know,' Susan admitted. 'I'm very light headed from dehydration.'

'I'll help you.'

'NO!' Susan said, more sharply than she meant. 'I'm sorry, but not with your back. I don't want you to aggravate your injuries.'

'It's OK, you're probably right. Doug is here, do you want me to ask him to help?'

'Please'

Carol walked out to the bedroom and said, 'She's too dizzy to stand. Can you help her?'

'Sure.' Doug walked in to Susan and asked softly, 'Are you ready?'

She nodded, extending an arm. To her surprise, Doug put his hands under her arms and slowly, gently, lifted her to her feet. She was still unsteady so Doug then lifted her into his arms. 'Thanks,' he heard her say softly.

'You're welcome,' he said as he gently lay her down in bed.

As Carol gave Susan the meds, she said, 'Try to relax.'

'I am, thank you both so much. I'm glad compazine causes drowsiness, I'm going to try and sleep.'

'How much did you sleep last night?'

'Not much, I kept waking up from the pain.'

'Why didn't you call me?'

'I knew you had to get up early for work.'

'I don't care about that. Tonight, if you need me, please call me?'

'I will,' Susan promised, her eyes closing.

'OK, I'll let you rest. Doug and I will be here. If you need anything, you don't have to yell for us, just call Doug's cell.'

'OK, thanks. You should check for messages on the machine. I turned off the ringer.'

'OK, I will,' Carol said, tucking the blankets around Susan before she left. She walked into the kitchen where Doug was and said, 'I don't want to leave her.'

'Nor do I. I spied leftovers of Susan's chicken casserole that I love so I'd be more than happy with that.'

'I've never had it, but it sounds good,' Carol said, as she played messages on the answering machine. As one of the messages played, she wished she could sink through the floor and disappear. She stopped it mid message, and immediately opened the fridge, pretending to look for something so that Doug wouldn't see the tears that were threatening to spill over.

She couldn't do that forever, and when she turned around, Doug was standing there, patiently waiting. 'I don't deserve this,' Carol thought to herself. Doug cared when he didn't have to. He had no ties to her, yet he wouldn't let her struggle. After so many years of Tag's apathy, Carol wasn't sure how to react, but her instinct took over and she went to Doug. Now that he knew about the ribs, he put his arms around her gently and she barely tensed at all. 'I'm sorry,' she said through the tears.

'Don't be,' he said, lightly rubbing her back.

5 minutes later, they were sitting at the table, having decided that dinner could wait. 'How much of the story do you want to know?'

'Whatever you feel comfortable telling me. I have until 7 AM tomorrow so there is no rush.'

'Is that when you're on?'

'No, I'm on at 8, but I need to go home to shower and change,' Doug said, grinning.

'My lawyer called last night. He'd had Tag served with the divorce papers late last week. Yesterday he got the papers showing Tag's counter suit.'

'You didn't expect that?'

'No. I mean, I knew he could, I just didn't think he would.'

'On what grounds did he file?'

'Adultery,' Carol said, spitting out the word as if it tasted bad. 'I never, NEVER cheated on him,' Carol said, growing angrier the more she thought about it.

'He'd have to prove it. You have nothing to worry about.'

'That's what I'd hoped, but my lawyer is an incompetent bastard. He doesn't want me to fight it, as you heard.'

'That's just asinine. Why would he even suggest that?'

'I don't know. I'm just so angry and frustrated.'

'I don't blame you, I would be as well.'

'I need to find a new lawyer.'

'I'll speak with mine and see who he can recommend for divorces.'

'Thank you, and thank you for earlier.'

'Not a problem. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to come to me.'

'I just went with my gut. I know you'd never hurt me. I was just afraid but I've got to break through the fear if I'm going to have a life. I trust you, I always have. I just needed to allow myself to listen to the trust and not the fear.'

'I'm proud of you.'

'Thanks.

-20 February 2003

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	4. You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This: Part 4

This is Part 4 of You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This, please see Part 1 for the relevant background information. To refresh your memory, Carol has just started back to work at County after a meeting with Mark. This piece takes place on the Saturday following Part 3, or 7 December 2002

Some character explanation:

Abby is an ER nurse. Never went to med school and (obviously) never delivered Carol's twins since they don't exist.

Jing Mei, Carter, Luka, and other nurses are also there.

Marcy is an ER nurse.

As always, thanks go to Jo for being a loyal beta reader, Lori for her feedback on the Mark/Elizabeth/Ella scenes, and my LJ ER Fic Filter for all your suggestions. Also, thanks to everyone for the information I needed. Characters, etc, not mine, no money.

E-mail me with any questions or comments that you may have.

You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This: Part 4: A Dinner Reunion

Elizabeth got home around 1:30. The house was quiet, except for the faint sound of the TV. After unlocking the baby gate, she followed the sound to the den. Mark was laying on the couch with Ella in front of him, both were asleep. Mark had his arm around Ella and Ella had hers around her stuffed bunny. Elizabeth smiled at the sight, and couldn't resist going for the camera. After she took the picture, she switched off the TV. To her surprise, Mark opened his eyes. I didn't mean to wake you,' Elizabeth whispered, leaning over Ella to kiss Mark.

I wasn't asleep,' Mark said, carefully manoeuvring from behind Ella. The stores were crowded?'

Insane, especially the supermarket. I still need to get the rest of the groceries from the car. I've only made one trip so far.

I'll get them.'

I'll make some lunch while you do. Or did you eat with Ella?'

Lunch would be great.'

When Mark came back in, Elizabeth said, The only perishables are the milk and the ice cream. The rest can wait.' As they sat down, Elizabeth said, I picked up the photos as well.'

As Mark looked at the enlargements of photos from their trip, he came across one that was quite different. He looked up at Elizabeth who was smiling. When did you have this done?'

This morning. My OB is booked solid for the next month, and I didn't want to wait that long for the first ultrasound so I went to the ER to get it done.'

How far along are you?'

7 weeks. I wanted to surprise you, but knew I'd never be able to wait a month.'

When did you find out?'

I did a home test last night while you gave Ella her bath.'

So we'll have a ...summer baby?' Mark asked, quickly doing the math.

July is what I've calculated. I'll get something more precise when I go to the OB.'

Who did the ultrasound?'

Abby was just going off so I asked her to do it so I wouldn't have to wait. She was happy to be the first to say congratulations.'

I wonder how long it will stay quiet?'

She promised not to say anything.'

I doubt she would, but nothing stays quiet at County.'

Just a minute or two later they heard the pitterpatter of little feet. Boo!' Ella said, giggling. Then she saw Elizabeth was home. Mommy!' she squealed.

Hi, sweetie,' Elizabeth said, lifting Ella into her lap. As she did so, she said, Ooh, someone needs a new diaper.'

Me?' Ella asked as Elizabeth carried her to her bedroom.

Yes, you. Did you have fun with Daddy today?'

We drawed and played and...'

What did you draw?'

I show you,' Ella said, trying to get up.

Let me finish your diaper, and then you can show me,' Elizabeth said, kissing Ella.

When they finished, Elizabeth picked up Ella to carry her back to the kitchen but Ella said, Mommy, down!'

OK,' Elizabeth said, letting her run to the kitchen. Incoming!' she called to Mark.

I got her!' he said, scooping Ella into his arms Gotcha,' he said, over her giggling squeals.

Daddy, let me go. I wanna show mommy'

What are you going to show mommy?'

What we drawed'

Here they are,' Mark said, handing them to Ella. Here, tell mommy about the pictures.'

This is a duck and it is walking to the tree and saying hi'

And what did the tree say?' Elizabeth asked.

Trees can't talk, silly' Ella said.

Really. I think one talked to me yesterday' Mark said.

Ella looked up in amazement, Really? What did it say?'

It said I was short' Mark said, thinking quickly on the spot.

But you're big!' Ella said.

Yes, but trees are bigger!'

Carol arrived around 6:30 with a batch of brownies she'd made. Come in,' Elizabeth said. Mark is still getting Ella settled.'

Oh! Did I come too early?'

No, not at all. She just wasn't in any hurry to go to sleep. Watch where you sit and excuse the mess. This is very much a toddler's place.'

I don't mind,' Carol said, sitting on the couch. I know Mark was off, but you were on today?'

No, I was off as well.'

Oh, I thought I saw you there. I must have been hallucinating.'

No, you saw me. I was just there for some testing.'

I hope you're OK,' Carol said, genuinely concerned.

I am...' Elizabeth was silent for a few moments before adding You'll hear it from the rumour mill anyway so you might as well hear it from us. I'm pregnant.'

Congratulations!'

Just then, Mark came down. Hey, Carol,' he said, giving her a hug.

Congrats,' Carol said, hugging him back. I just heard.'

Thanks, I said to Elizabeth earlier. I wonder how long it will stay quiet at the hospital. I'd rather you heard it from us.'

It will stay quiet for about as log as it took for the rumours to start flying about Doug and I.'

They've started already?' Mark asked, incredulously.

Yep.' Seeing that Elizabeth looked confused, Carol explained Before I got married and moved away Doug and I had been together. And now if people see us in the same room, let alone talking, they assume we're together.'

That's one story I don't believe I ever heard.'

I think it faded some after I left. And I'd been gone, what, two and a half years when you came to County?'

Just about,' Mark said.

I can't believe I was gone for more than seven years. It doesn't feel like it now that I'm back. I gave Carter the shock of his life today.'

How so?'

He and Haleh were treating a patient when Haleh was called away. She said she'd have Carol' come in. Carter asked, Carol who?' and she said New nurse.' So then I walk in and had to scrape Carter's jaw off the floor. He said he expected next to look around and see himself back in surgery and without the Doctor' in front of his name.

You must have been shocked to see him in the ER?'

Not really. Someone had mentioned in a letter or a call that he had switched. It's always good to see another familiar face.'

Who else have you worked with since you got back?'

Doug, Haleh, Lydia. Yosh, Malik, Deber Jing Mei and the foreign doctor whose name I can't pronounce so I've dubbed him Dr. K. There were others, of course, but too many names to try and remember.'

There's been a lot of turnover,' Elizabeth said, It's hard to keep up even when you're there.'

In surgery as well? I didn't know any of the surgeons who came down for consults today.'

In every department'

And of course we have the obligatory romance in the ER,' Mark said with a laugh.

Really, who?'

Abby Lockhart, who I'm not sure you've met and Luka Kovac, the foreign doctor. They've been engaged for about a year.'

I think I briefly met Abby today.'

She's a former OB nurse who transferred down to the ER a few years ago.'

What a switch'

She handled it really well and she's a great nurse, all of the ER nurses are.'

That makes life easier. The night I first met Susan for dinner we talked a bit about County and I was surprised at the changes, but also at how much was still the same. I'd known from your Christmas Card about both of your promotions. But I hadn't known about Susan's. When she suggested I apply to County, I'd asked who I'd still know.'

I'm glad you came back,' Mark said. Even if the circumstances were less than ideal.'

Thanks.' Turning to Elizabeth, she added I assume Mark has told you the story.'

Yes,' Elizabeth said.

Mark added, I didn't think you'd mind.'

Of course not. There's more to the story that I need to tell you both.'

If you don't want to, you don't have to.'

I want you to hear it from me.'

After dinner, they were back in the Living Room enjoying the fire and just talking when they heard a burst of tears from the baby monitor. I'll get her,' Elizabeth said, heading down the hall. She turned on the hall light and then opened Ella's door. Ssh, shh, ssh, Mommy's here.' Ella was standing in her crib, holding on to the side rail, and crying. Elizabeth picked her up and held her close, pulling her head to her shoulder. What's the matter?'

You had a bad dream? Do you want to come with Mommy and Daddy?'

And Bugs?' Ella asked, still crying but calming down.

Of course, Bugs too,' Elizabeth said, taking Ella's bunny from the crib and handing it to her. When they got back to the Living Room Elizabeth sat in the rocker, hoping the rocking would soothe her.

The way the chair was placed, Ella could just see Mark. He waved and she turned her head the other way. Ouch!' Mark said with a laugh.

She's a mama's girl?' Carol asked.

Not really, she just tends to stay with one person once she's settled.'

Around 9:30, Carol said, I suppose I should go. I'm on early again tomorrow.'

What did you do to get that evil schedule?'

For now I'm working Marcy's schedule. I'll get a schedule of my own when she gets back from vacation.'

I forgot about that,' Mark said. Let me get my keys.'

I can take the El'

Not alone at night.'

Carol was going to protest, but she could see from the look on Mark's face that she wasn't going to win this one. Thank you,' she said simply. While Mark went to get his keys, Carol said goodbye to Elizabeth. I enjoyed this evening. Thank you for dinner.'

And thank **you** for dessert. I enjoyed getting to know you. Please come again anytime, you're always welcome.'

And when I find a place, the three...or maybe four of you by then...will be welcome there.'

The next morning Elizabeth woke up at 8:30. Not to Ella's chatter, and not to Mark tickling her, but rather to the sun streaming in her bedroom window. Amazed that she'd slept in so late, she wondered where Mark and Ella were. She looked over to her nightstand, which usually held a clue if Mark had gone out early, but there was no note.

Getting out of bed, she slid her feet into her slippers and wrapped her robe around her. Chicago winters are still too cold for my liking,' she thought to herself.

She walked down the hall, first stopping in the bathroom, and then to the kitchen, which was also empty. By now, she realised the house was far too quiet and there was no way that Mark and Ella were home. On the kitchen table she saw a vase with a single flower in it, with a piece of paper underneath.

_Hope you slept well! We went out for a bit to run some errands. See you around 10._

_Love, Me_

Elizabeth smiled, and picked up the newspaper which was on the table next to the note. She poured herself a glass of orange juice, and took the paper into the living room and curled up in a corner of the couch, where she remained until Mark and Ella returned a little later in the morning.

Later that week, Carol was sitting at the kitchen table, her papers spread around her. When Susan got home, Carol asked, How was your day?'

Not bad, yours?'

Busy. I'll get these papers out of here in just a minute.'

They're fine. I'm in no hurry to eat or anything. Doing research?'

No. Stuff I need to overnight to my new lawyer.'

New lawyer?' Susan asked, surprised.

Carol thought for a moment. That's right. You missed all that the afternoon you were down with the migraine. Doug helped me find a lawyer willing to help me fight Tag's claims of adultery.'

Your other one wouldn't?'

Not at all, he wanted me to just accept it. I was **so** angry that afternoon. I'm amazed you didn't hear me. I was alternating between crying and cursing.'

You should have woken me up.'

You were too sick. It wouldn't have been right.'

Was Doug here at least?'

Yes, and he was great During the worst part I was crying but trying to hide it. He didn't push, didn't try to make me talk. Just stood there, waiting for me. And I went to him. It was a big step for me. I wasn't afraid.'

I'm proud of you,' Susan said.

It was something I had to do. And I told him. I always knew I could trust him, it was just a question of listening to the trust.'

I'm glad you could do that, since you're engaged and all,' Susan said, laughing.

Wow, that was fast. When I got off work last night we were together but not engaged. I just hope someone tells me when I'm getting married so I don't miss the wedding.' Carol said, laughing so hard she could barely speak. The county rumour mill never ceases to amaze me.'

Me either, but look at the bright side, maybe you'll get some engagement gifts.'

That would be amusing.'

I'm glad he was there for you when I couldn't be. I owe both of you a drink for taking care of me that day.'

Don't worry about it.'

Actually,' Susan said. I have a bottle of wine Mark gave me for Christmas. Feel like breaking it open?'

Sure,' Carol said, gathering her papers. Is there a place to make copies near the post office?'

I think so. Do you have a lot to copy?'

Not too much. All filings are matters of public record so he got it straight from the courthouse. And I faxed over a signed letter allowing him to get the police report and the paperwork from the restraining order. It's just a question of getting copies of the other paperwork: bank statements, tax returns...'

What do you expect will happen?'

He will fight me tooth and nail, but I can support my claims of abuse. He can't support the adultery because it never happened. I don't want alimony, I want no contact. When I left Massachusetts, I still had holiday and sick time left so they let me take that in lieu of two weeks notice so I'm not cash strapped. If I were, things would be more difficult.'

Will you have to testify?'

I hope not. I don't want to have to see him. I'm hoping to just speak with the lawyers.'

If you have to, and need or want moral support, I'm there.'

Thanks. I can't believe I've been here for two weeks.'

Does it feel like more or less?'

I don't know...Both. It feels like I just got here, but at the same time it feels like two lifetimes ago that I was working out leaving Tag.'

How did you work it out?'

It was always an idea, but in the last 6 months a plan took shape. I had to save money, and I was gathering documentation. We had fighting down to an art form. The words didn't even hurt anymore, but the physical abuse was worsening. It was at the beginning of November that he broke the first rib and knocked out my teeth.'

Knocked out your teeth?!' Susan interrupted.

That was one of our worse fights.'

Did they both happen in the same night?'

Within minutes of each other. He punched me for talking back and I stood back up, started screaming at him, and in the process, spit blood on him. So he shoved me sideways into the table and my rib cage made first contact. I was in such pain, I sunk to the floor and couldn't even get up for about an hour.'

You are so amazing to have survived that'

Or stupid to have stayed for Round Two.'

You couldn't have known.'

If it happens once, it can happen twice...But you know the rest...I haven't seen him at all since Round Two. By the time I was able to move enough to get my bag, he'd passed out. So I went to the police, then the shelter. I left the next afternoon.'

If I ever saw him, I'd kill him.'

You, Doug, Mark Thanks, it means a lot'

-16 March 2003

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	5. You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This: Part 5

This is Part 5 of You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This, please see Part 1 for the relevant background information. To refresh your memory, early in December Elizabeth discovered that she was pregnant and Carol started back to work at County.

Part 5 starts on Friday 3 January 2002, about three weeks after Part 4 ended. Unlike the other stories in this series, this is a Mark and Elizabeth and not a Doug and Carol piece.

This chapter discusses some themes that can be considered sensitive issues. If you don't wish to read about them, feel free to ask me for a summary. In addition, there's a shower scene but no sex.

As always, thanks go to Jo for being a loyal beta reader, Lori for her feedback on the Mark/Elizabeth/Ella scenes, and my LJ ER Fic Filter for all your suggestions. Also, thanks to everyone for the information I needed. Characters, etc, not mine, no money.

Sheila and Michelle are Mark and Elizabeth's secretaries, Maria Rosen is Elizabeth's OB.

E-mail me with any questions or comments that you may have.

You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This: Part 5: The Tough Stuff

Elizabeth was sitting in her office around 10:30 AM. She hadn't been feeling well, but attributed it to morning sickness, which she'd hoped would be abating soon, as she was at the end of the first trimester. She looked down when she opened a drawer and saw what appeared to be a wet spot on the front of her grey slacks. Panicking, she rushed from her office to the bathroom, where her fears were confirmed.

Sticking her head in her office door, she said to Michelle, I need to go down to the ER. I'll be back as soon as I can.'

Worried, she pushed the Down' button for the elevator four times in rapid succession. This can't be happening,' she muttered under her breath. Finally, the elevator came.

Abby was already on the elevator, and taking one look at Elizabeth, she asked, Dr. Corday, are you OK?'

Elizabeth shook her head, Are you on?'

Yes, I was just running a chart up to pedes. What do you need?'

Just then, the elevator opened into a busy ER. Not wanting to fuel the rumour mill, Elizabeth said, Can you see what's open? I'll wait here.'

Sure,' Abby said, very concerned. After looking at the board, she turned to Frank and said Close Exam 2.'

Just do it,' Abby said, already walking away. Reaching Elizabeth, she couldn't help but notice the stain on her pants. Shit,' she thought to herself. Aloud, she said, I've got Exam 2.' Elizabeth followed her wordlessly. When Abby shut door, she asked, Is Mark on his way down?'

In my rush to get down here, I didn't call,' Elizabeth said, walking back towards the door, where there was a phone on the wall.

I've got it,' Abby said. You need to lie down.' After dialing, she said, Dr Greene, please'

I'm sorry, he asked not to be disturbed,' Sheila said. He said that Dr. Lewis was on call and should be called for any problems in the ER.'

He'll take this one, it's about Elizabeth and it's important. At least tell him I'm on the line.'

I'll try, please hold.'

As Abby held, she turned to face Elizabeth, who looked confused. His secretary won't put the call through'

Call his private line, x3302.'

Abby did so, Dr Greene, it's Abby. Please come down to Exam 2, it's for Elizabeth.'

Is she OK?' Mark asked, extremely worried.

You need to come down.'

I'm on my way.'

Meanwhile in the ER, Abby got the ultrasound ready. Please wait for Mark?' Elizabeth asked.

Of course, I just wanted to get it ready. How long have you been bleeding?'

I just noticed. I guess about ten minutes ago now. But I guess I'd been bleeding for some time to have gone through to my pants. I didn't feel any cramping.'

How far along are you?'

Ten weeks,' Elizabeth said, softly.

Just then they heard two quick knocks, and Mark came in. Seeing Abby with the ultrasound, he quickly realised what was happening. He put one arm around Elizabeth's shoulder and held her other hand as Abby started the ultrasound.

After trying several angles, Abby confirmed what they already knew. I'm sorry,' she said, softly. Wanting to give them some time alone she asked, Who's your OB?'

Maria Rosen,' Mark said. I don't know the number off hand.'

I can get it,' Abby said. I'll be back in a little while. Page me if you need anything in the mean time.'

As soon as Abby was out the door, Elizabeth finally let go of the tears she'd been holding in, and buried her face on Mark's shoulder. Mark sat on the edge of the table so he could hold her better.

Neither spoke for a few minutes until Elizabeth said, I have clean underpants in my gym bag in my office, but I don't think I have any slacks in there.'

I'll get you some scrubs,' Mark offered.

Someone can, but...pl-please don't leave me right now?'

Of course not,' Mark said. We'll wait for the exam, and then we can ask someone to get the scrubs, and maybe Michelle can bring your bag down.'

And I need a pad, and...' Elizabeth said, tearing up from frustration.

Try not to worry about that,' Mark said, rubbing Elizabeth's back. I'll take care of the little things. You just rest here,' he said, holding her tightly.

Thanks,' she said, again resting her head on his shoulder.

Five minutes later, there was a knock at the door. Come in,' Mark said, glad for the courtesy.

It was Abby. Physically, how are you doing?' she asked Elizabeth.

OK,' Elizabeth said, slowly.

Any cramping yet?'

A little, but not too much.'

That's good. I spoke with Dr. Rosen's service. She's out of town, and Dr. Lucien, who's covering, was called to Mercy for an emergency C-Section.'

Well I don't need to see them today,' Elizabeth said, not wanting to sit around the ER until Dr. Lucien was finished at Mercy.

That's what I was thinking. If the bleeding isn't that heavy and you're not cramping badly, there's no need to do a DAnd I want to keep it quiet, or as quiet as possible. Can you do the exam?'

Of course,' Abby said. So you know, you're not on the Board. All anyone knows is that room is closed.'

Thank you,' Elizabeth said.

I really appreciate that,' Mark said.

As Elizabeth slipped out of her pants, Mark said, I know these are your favourites. They can probably be cleaned if you want to keep them.'

Elizabeth shook her head, I could never wear them again.'

Fine,' Mark said, checking the pockets before putting them in the trash. He then took Elizabeth's hand and interlaced his fingers with hers.

Abby was as gentle as she could be, and when she finished, she said, You're in good shape. There is, of course, still some bleeding but it isn't heavy and you definitely don't need a D&C. You should wear a pad, but regular will do. Overnight is not necessary, unless that would make you more comfortable.'

OK,' Elizabeth said.

Abby got a basin with warm water to clean up Elizabeth. Do you have a change of clothes?'

I have underwear in my gym bag, I figured I'd get scrubs. I don't have any pads though.'

I can get some, and I'll get the scrubs. Where's your bag? In your office?'

Yeah, if you call up to my secretary, maybe she'll bring it down.'

I can run up and get it. If she asks, what do you want me to tell her?'

Just that I needed to change. She didn't know about the pregnancy.'

OK,' Abby said. I'll be right back.'

Elizabeth asked Mark, What time are the people from the Council coming?'

At 2'

I hope I didn't keep you from prep work?'

You didn't, and it wouldn't matter if you had,' Mark said. I don't know how I'll get out of the meeting, but I will.'

You don't have to.'

I'm not leaving you alone at home.'

This meeting is too important for you to miss. I'll be OK.'

Staying alone is not an option. Your health is more important than any meeting.'

Fine, then I'll stay here and do paperwork,' Elizabeth said, stubbornly. I won't let you miss this meeting.'

Realising this was a battle he wasn't going to win, Mark compromised. How about someone stays at the house with you? Just in case you have any complications.'

I'd prefer to be alone, but if it will keep you happy.'

It will,' Mark said, Just until I can get home. It shouldn't be long, the meeting was supposed to last no longer than an hour anyway.'

OK,' Elizabeth acquiesced, partially relieved that she was going to have company. She wanted Mark, but this meeting was essential for County's funding and as Chief of Staff, he couldn't miss it. She knew he'd sit with her later, and the afternoon would give her some time to sort her thoughts.

Is there anyone in particular you want me to call?'

Someone who won't ask too many questions because I really don't feel up to talking about it.'

Susan is on call and has to be at the meeting as well, what about Doug? Or would you prefer a woman?'

Doug is fine, he won't ask a lot of questions.'

I'll call him when Abby gets back.'

You can call now.'

Are you sure?'

Elizabeth nodded.

Mark had let it ring four times and was about to hang up when Doug answered. Did I wake you?' Mark asked.

No, I was in the shower. What's up?'

I need a favour'

Elizabeth had a miscarriage this morning and I have a meeting with some Council reps that I can't miss. I don't want to leave her at home alone in case she has any complications, but she doesn't need or want to be in the hospital. Is there any chance you could come over for a few hours this afternoon?'

Mark, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to come now?'

We're still at the hospital finishing and the meeting isn't until 2. How's 1 or so?'

That's fine. I'll bring lunch for both of you.'

Thanks. I may take it to go'.'

No problem. See you at 1.'

Mark turned back to Elizabeth, All set.'

Thanks.'

They heard a knock at the door and Mark called, Come in.'

Abby came in with Elizabeth's bag, a pair of scrubs, and two pads. I think I've got everything.'

Thanks,' Elizabeth said, dressing slowly. And thank you for everything this morning.'

You're welcome. If there's anything I can do,' Abby paused as she took a piece of paper from her pocket. My home and cell numbers. Call me at any time.'

I appreciate that,' Mark said, noticing Elizabeth's distracted look.

And this is the aftercare info, but it's just the usual.' Realising that Elizabeth wasn't paying much attention, Abby handed the paper to Mark. And we're all done here.'

OK.' Mark said to Elizabeth, I'm going to pull the car up.'

I'll meet you outside.'

I can come back in.'

People will ask too many questions, and I don't want to talk.'

OK, I'll meet you in the Ambulance Bay.'

After Mark left, Elizabeth said to Abby, Thank you for everything.'

You're welcome. Do you want me to see if the hall is clear?'

It doesn't really matter, I have to leave the room regardless, but thanks.'

Luckily things were pretty busy, and she walked out without being stopped. Mark was pulling up just as she walked out. He could tell that she wasn't in a talking mood, but had one question. Is there anything you want to stop for?'

No, but if you need to stop, go ahead.'

I'm fine,' Mark said, taking Elizabeth's hand.

Around 12:55, Mark was sitting next to Elizabeth in bed, rubbing her back. As she dozed, he looked over some materials for the meeting. The doorbell rang and he leaned over and kissed Elizabeth. I love you. I'll see you later.'

He waved Doug in from the top of the stairs. Thanks for coming over.'

It's no trouble. I brought a few sandwiches and soup, and juice. Your sandwich is separate because I knew you'd be rushing out.'

Great. Elizabeth's asleep right now, and she may sleep straight through. I just didn't want to leave her alone.'

I don't blame you. I've got papers to look over for a conference anyway. Good luck with the bigwigs today.'

I'll need it. I should be back no later than four.'

OK.'

A little before 3, Elizabeth woke up. At first she was confused, but then the events of the morning came back to her. As she woke up a little more, she saw a note on her nightstand.

_I'll be home as soon as I can. Call if you need anything. Love, Me_

Elizabeth smiled, in spite of the situation. Mark was there for her, but he wasn't pushing her. Earlier, she hadn't wanted to talk simply because she knew she would've started crying and didn't want to make Mark feel guilty about leaving. Rather than pushing her, he'd just rubbed her back and she'd fallen asleep in his arms.

She realised she needed to go to the bathroom, so she wrapped Mark's robe around her, After going to the bathroom, she walked out to the dining room, where Doug was sitting with his laptop.

Hey, Elizabeth,' he said, standing to give her a hug. The music didn't wake you, did it?'

No, I didn't even hear it until now. If you want to use the stereo or turn on the TV, go right ahead.'

Thanks.'

Elizabeth went into the adjoining kitchen to get something to drink, and spied the soup. Is this your soup?'

I brought it for you and Mark. There's also a sandwich in the bag.'

Thanks,' Elizabeth said, spooning some soup into a bowl. Did you want anything?'

No, thanks.'

When Elizabeth brought her soup to the table, she stayed quiet, not really wanting to talk. But after a minute or two she asked, Did you know I was pregnant?'

No,' Doug said. And I'm very sorry to hear about the miscarriage.'

Thank you,' Elizabeth said, her mind recoiling at hearing the word for the first time. After a few moments, she spoke again. Not too many people know. I wanted to wait until I made it out of the first trimester,' she said, slowly, looking at the soup rather than at Doug.

I understand. You don't have to talk about it.'

I...I think...I think I'm going to lie down again. I'm sorry.'

Don't be. Go ahead, I'll clean up your soup. Call for me if you need anything.'

I will, thanks.' Climbing into bed, Elizabeth pulled her knees to her chest, and just tried to let the tears come.

Why stop, Daddy?'

I want to buy Mommy a present.'

No, not Santa,' Mark said, lifting Ella out of her car seat. Mommy is sick.'

I pick present?'

Yes, you can help,' Mark said, carrying Ella into the card store.

Good afternoon, Sir,' the clerk said.

Hi,' Mark said, walking to the cards. After choosing one, he went to their selection of stuffed animals and asked Ella, Which one for Mommy?'

Bunny!' Ella said, pointing at a lavender bunny.

OK,' Mark said, as they headed to the register. After they finished, they went next door to the florist where Mark chose a small bouquet.

They got home ten minutes later, and Mark reminded Ella, Ssh, mommy may be sleeping.'

I be quiet.'

Hey guys,' Doug said, as they walked in.

Hi, Gug'

How's Elizabeth?' Mark asked.

So so,' Doug said. Seeing the worried look on Mark's face, he quickly added, Physically, she's fine but she was quite upset about half an hour ago. I can stay a little longer with Ella. Go check on Elizabeth.'

Mark didn't need to be told twice, and quickly headed for the bedroom. He was saddened by Elizabeth's tearstained face. Not so much because she'd been crying, but because he hadn't been there while she was. Sitting next to her on the bed, he leaned down and kissed her. Elizabeth stirred but did not open her eyes. Deciding sleep was more important, he tucked the blanket around her and left a new note on the nightstand.

Going back out to the Living Room, he thanked Doug again. No problem, keep me posted and let me know if you need anything.'

I will.'

When Elizabeth woke up, she could hear Ella in the bath. Surprised that they were home and that it was dark she looked at her clock and realised it was 5:45. I never meant to sleep at all, let alone this long,' she thought, slowly standing. She wrapped her robe around herself and walked down the hall to the bathroom. She stopped in the doorway to take in the scene.

Mark was kneeling in front of the tub, looking so wet that Elizabeth had to wonder who was getting the bath. Ella was sitting in the tub with her toys saying Plash, plash' and splashing.

Elizabeth got a towel from the linen closet and walked back to the bathroom. I think you might need this,' she said, passing it to Mark.

Thanks, did you have a good rest?' he asked, kissing Elizabeth as she knelt down beside him.

She was about to answer but Ella squealed, Hello to you too, Sweetie,' Elizabeth said as Ella gave her a very wet hug.

Daddy, present?'

Let's finish your bath first, Mark said as Elizabeth gave him a bewildered look.

Finish,' Ella said.

Not so fast,' Mark laughed. You still have marker on your face.'

I'll finish up with her,' Elizabeth said. Why don't you go dry off?'

OK, and I'll start dinner. Any requests?'

I'm not that hungry, make whatever you're in the mood for and I'll nibble.'

Sounds like a plan.'

Taking a washcloth and a dab of soap Elizabeth gently washed the marker from Ella's face. What were you drawing?'

A see-kwit'

Ahh, do I get to know about the secret?'

Maybe,' Ella said, giggling.

OK,' Elizabeth said, lifting Ella from the tub and wrapping her in a towel.

Let's just get your PJs on first,' she said, laying Ella down on the changing table.

Yes, you can wear your blue ones,' Elizabeth said, fastening Ella's diaper.

When they finished, Elizabeth carried Ella to the kitchen where Mark was. Present, Daddy, present,' Ella said, barely containing her energy.

OK. Do you want to get it?'

I get,' Ella said, wiggling as Elizabeth set her down. She ran off to the dining room and before she came back she called, Mommy, eyes cose'

They're closed.'

Footsteps again and Ella said, Hands.' Elizabeth felt something light and soft in her outstretched palms. Eyes open,' Ella commanded.

Elizabeth did as she was told and saw the purple bunny. No more sick,' Ella explained.

Thank you,' Elizabeth said, hugging Ella as tears came to her eyes. There was something about children's understanding that could melt a grownup's heart. Does the bunny have a name?'

That's a great name. She and Bugs can be friends. Now let's say goodnight to Daddy and we'll read a story,' Elizabeth said, gathering Ella into her arms.

Night Daddy,' Ella said reaching over to Mark.

Sweet dreams. I love you.'

When they got to Ella's room, Elizabeth said, Choose a book.'

Moon!' Ella said, climbing into Elizabeth's lap with Goodnight Moon, her favourite book.

OK,' Elizabeth said, starting to read. She'd read only about half the book before she noticed Ella was asleep. She lay her down in the crib and kissed her goodnight, whispering I love you, sweetie.'

She walked back to the kitchen where Mark was standing over the stove, stirring something in a pot. Elizabeth walked over and stood next to him, put her arm around his waist and her head on his shoulder. That smells good.'

Marks took the wooden spoon from the pot, And how does it taste?' he asked, passing Elizabeth a sample.

Good,' Elizabeth said. Maybe a minute or two longer though to warm it a little more.'

OK,' Mark said. Taking a look at Elizabeth, he said, Looks like Ella got you as wet as she got me. Why don't you go change?'

It's OK. I'm going to take a long hot shower after dinner, so I can wait.'

Want company in the shower?'

Yeah, I think I do,' Elizabeth said.

Sounds like a plan. Why don't you sit and rest? Dinner is almost done.'

As Elizabeth looked over at the table to see if it was set yet, she noticed the flowers, and the envelope next to them. Oh Mark, you shouldn't have.'

Oh how would I look if Ella got you something and I didn't?' Mark asked, grinning.

Thank you,' Elizabeth said, kissing Mark before going into the Dining Room. She opened the envelope and took out a small Anne Geddes card. When she opened the card, she read:

_Elizabeth,_

_I love you more than anything. I know this isn't going to be an easy time, but I wanted you to know I'll be here for you through it all._

Thank you,' she said, as Mark brought two bowls of soup to the table. You know I feel the same.'

I do.'

I'm sorry, I completely forgot to ask. How did the meeting go?'

Very well. It didn't last long at all and it looks like we should get the funding.'

That's great news. Make sure you share the wealth with surgery,' Elizabeth said, smiling.

I will. I'm sorry that I couldn't be here with you this afternoon.'

Don't worry,' Elizabeth said, taking Mark's hand. If I had to choose between your being here now and this afternoon, I'd choose now.' Seeing Mark's bewildered look, she continued, All I did this afternoon was sleep. I was too exhausted to talk.'

Did the sleep help?'

A little, I guess I had been more tired than I'd realised.'

After the holidays and all, I'm hardly surprised. Why don't you take a day or two off before going back?'

I had been thinking about it, since I don't need to worry about maternity leave now. I may take Monday and then next Friday and Monday. I'll have to see if I feel ready to work a five day week yet.'

That sounds like a good idea.'

About twenty minutes later, Mark was finished eating. Are you done?' he asked Elizabeth.

Yeah, I just, I really can't eat.'

That's OK. Let me know if you want anything later.'

I will,' Elizabeth said, taking her dishes to the sink. The dishwasher still needs to be emptied.'

It can wait, the dishes aren't going anywhere,' Mark said, putting his dishes with Elizabeth's. After using a sponge to wipe the table, Mark put his arm around Elizabeth's shoulder and asked, Are you ready for that shower?'

Mmmhmm,' Elizabeth said, absentmindedly as they walked from the kitchen.

Mark took a few towels from the linen closet and then met Elizabeth in the bathroom after she'd checked on Ella. So that the water would be ready when they were, he started it running and turned back to Elizabeth as he undressed. She'd hung the robe on the hook and was starting on her clothes. When she removed her pajama pants and underwear, a pained expression crossed her face as she removed and wrapped up the blood stained maxi pad. She turned to look at Mark, having felt his eyes watching her, That's the hardest part,' she said softly.

Not knowing what to say, Mark simply nodded. Has the bleeding been heavy?' he added a few seconds later.

Not really. I changed pads once, earlier this afternoon. If I weren't going to take a shower, I'd probably have left that one on until bed.'

And how's the cramping?'

Very little.'

Good,' Mark said as they stepped into the shower. He had his back to the rear of the shower, and Elizabeth was facing him, allowing the warm spray to hit her back.

Keeping one arm around Elizabeth's waist, Mark got the shampoo and began to massage it into her long curls. After rinsing, he did the same with the conditioner. While the conditioner soaked into her hair, he put some body wash on a washcloth and began to lather up Elizabeth's body. Turn around and let me get your back?'

Elizabeth complied wordlessly and enjoyed the feeling as Mark abandoned the washcloth and used his hands on her back. You're very tense, try to relax.'

OK,' Elizabeth said, rotating her shoulders a little.

I'll give you a massage after,'

I'd like that, a lot,' Elizabeth said, watching soap and traces of blood go down the drain. After seeing that, it took more willpower to hold herself together. Searching for something to distract herself, she said, Let me do your back.'

Sure,' Mark said, as they switched places. No point in asking you to shampoo me,'

I could,' Elizabeth said with a smile. But it would take all of one second.'

Maybe two.'

When they finished in the shower, Mark wrapped Elizabeth in a large towel. Do you have another pair of underwear in here or should I get you one?' he asked, wrapping a towel around his waist.

I brought one in earlier,' Elizabeth said, reaching with one hand for the cotton pair on the back of the toilet seat. Not the sexiest things on earth, but they'll do.'

You're sexy,' Mark said. You don't need the underwear to make you sexy.'

Thank you,' Elizabeth said, as Mark lifted her into his arms. You don't have to do that.'

I know I don't **have** to,' Mark said, lying her down on the bed. Reaching into the drawer on her night table, he took out a book of matches and lit the candle on the bedside table.

Much better than lights,' Elizabeth said.

I agree. Be right back,' Mark said. Elizabeth was surprised to hear his footsteps on the stairs, but he returned quickly enough wearing pajama pants and carrying a small bottle.

You get PJs, but I don't?'

You will, soon enough,' Mark said, sitting on the edge of the bed. He squirted some of the contents of the bottle onto his hands and then began Elizabeth's massage at the bottom of her calves.

That smells wonderful,' Elizabeth said.

It's a lavender, just a different brand from what we usually use,' Mark said, showing Elizabeth the bottle.

I love it,' Elizabeth said, relaxing under Mark's caring touches.

After about ten minutes he asked, Turn over?'

Elizabeth complied, glad for a chance to not have to look Mark in the eye. She loved the massage, and it felt great, but the day's events were starting to catch up with her and it was getting harder to fight the tears. Mark spent a long time working on the tense muscles in Elizabeth's neck, shoulders, and back. Thank you,' she murmured softly.

You're welcome.' When he finished, he again said, I'll be right back.'

When he came back, he was carrying a pair of Elizabeth's pajamas. Fresh from the dryer,' Mark said. Guaranteed toasty warm.'

When Elizabeth failed to turn over, he probed, Are you OK?' Elizabeth turned her head and Mark could see the tears. Are you in pain?' he asked gently.

Not physically,' Elizabeth said, reaching for her pajama bottoms. She sat up slightly to put on the top and, before lying down again asked, Hold me?'

Of course,' Mark said, wrapping his arms around her. She rested her head on his shoulder and he buried his head in her hair.

-3 April 2003

Series Home D/C Home Fanfic Home 


	6. You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This: Part 6

This is Part 6 of You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This, please see Part 1 for the relevant background information. To refresh your memory, Elizabeth suffered a miscarriage in the beginning of January, about six weeks after Carol's return to County. Since Carol returned, she has been dealing with Tag's claims of adultery in response to her filing for divorce on grounds of physical and mental cruelty.

Part 6 starts on Thursday February 13, 2003, about six weeks after Part 5 ended.

This is the PG version of the original NC-17 piece. There are still some allusions to sex, but nothing overt. It is also predominantly Doug and Carol.

As always, thanks go to Jo for being a loyal beta reader, and my LJ ER Fic Filter for all your suggestions. Also, thanks to everyone for the information I needed. Characters, etc, not mine, no money. The legal stuff may not be 100 accurate.

Michael is Susan's boyfriend.

Email me with any questions or comments that you may have.

You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This Part 6: Your Smiling Face

--

Carol was at work a little before 2 PM. She'd been off for the past two days but it hadn't been a relaxing two days as she had flown to Massachusetts to deal with the divorce proceedings. Due to the weather, her flights had been delayed, and she'd only gotten back to Chicago at 6AM, an hour before she was due at work. Consequently, she was exhausted. It was slow, so she leaned on the desk, with her forehead in her hands, and tried to stay awake.

A moment or two later, she felt a hand on her shoulder. 'You OK?' Doug asked quietly.

'Yeah, just exhausted,' Carol said, turning to face Doug. Noticing he still had on his jacket, she asked, 'You start at 2?'

'Yeah.'

'Let's go to the roof?'

'Sure.'

'I'll be back in a few minutes,' Carol said aloud, knowing all ears had gone to she and Doug. She didn't mind people knowing that she and Doug were seeing one another, but she hated the lack of privacy. 'Sorry I never called you back,' she said as they headed up. 'I didn't get in until 6 this morning because my flight kept getting delayed.'

'Why did you come in?' he asked as they opened the door to the roof.

'I needed to keep my mind busy,' Carol said softly, leaning her head on Doug's chest.

'Rough few days?' Doug asked, putting his arms around Carol.

'Yeah,' Carol admitted.

Doug knew not to push her, so he gently rubbed her back. 'Can you sleep when you get off or do you have errands to run?'

'My body wouldn't cooperate even if I wanted to run errands. I'm definitely going to sleep. If I wake up tomorrow morning, I'll be in. If not, I'm sleeping.'

'We don't have to do dinner tomorrow. At the very least, you don't have to cook. I can try to get a reservation somewhere.'

'No,' Carol said quickly, thinking about plans she had for after dinner. 'I wasn't making anything fancy, and I want to cook for you. You've done so much for me.'

'OK,' Doug said, kissing Carol's forehead. He thought about how much had changed in the time that Carol had been back. She had been understandably skittish when she'd gotten back, but gradually had grown more comfortable around him. They'd never formally discussed dating, but it just seemed to happen naturally. Doug was content to proceed at whatever speed was comfortable for Carol, as was evident by a conversation they'd had sometime after the New Year.

_'We need to talk,' Carol had said._

_'Why is it that those words never sound good?' Doug had asked from across his dinner table._

_'It's not bad, I can promise you that. It's just important.'_

_'OK,' Doug had added, putting down his fork and giving Carol his full attention. 'What's up?'_

_'It's just something I want to be upfront with you about. Before this/us...before we go any further.' At that, she'd looked up to gauge Doug's reaction. He was looking at her, with encouragement in his eyes. _

_He reached for her hand and took it in his. 'I'm listening,' he said._

_'I just, I wanted to let you know, to warn you in case you want out.'_

_'There's nothing you could tell me that would make me want to leave you,' Doug interrupted._

_'I just want to tell you that I'm not sure how comfortable I'm going to be with sex. It's not you, I want you to know that one hundred times over it's just, I'm scared, very scared,' Carol said. After taking a few seconds she said, 'I'm not sure I could do it.'_

_'That's OK,' Doug said. 'I know why you think you'd have to worry, but I promise you, you don't. I care too much about you. If you feel comfortable, great. If not, I still care for you so much that it will be OK.'_

_Looking into his eyes, Carol realised he was telling the truth._

_That conversation had served as a turning point in their relationship. Carol knew that Doug had changed and was no longer the womaniser he had been, but this proved it and showed the change as it applied to them. It had taken Carol some time to get used to the care and attention from everyone, but especially Doug. She'd trained herself to not care what anyone thought or said, and it took time to grow accustomed to the love and support she received once back in Chicago._

'I suppose we should go back down,' Carol said after a few moments.

'If you need to talk tonight, just call me.'

'I will,' Carol promised. 'In case I don't make it in tomorrow, do you want to plan on 6 for dinner?'

'Sure, what's the dress code?' Doug asked with a grin

'Whatever,' Carol said, 'Something comfortable. Like I said, it's not going to be anything fancy.'

'OK, want me to bring anything besides wine?'

'No, thanks' Carol said.

Carol woke later that evening, and it took some time for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. She looked at her clock and saw it was 7:30. After getting up to go to the bathroom, she heard the TV in the Living Room and headed there to say hello. 'Hey,' she said to Susan who was curled up on the couch with a book.

'Hi. The TV didn't wake you, did it?'

'No, my bladder did,' Carol said, sitting at the other end of the couch. 'I came home and passed out, didn't hear a thing.'

'I was trying to keep quiet. I called the airlines, but by that time you'd landed and all they said was that the flight had arrived. What time did you finally land?'

'6 AM.'

'Were you delayed on the plane or in the terminal?'

'Both. They boarded us around two, but then it took another hour or so for us to take off. It was even more annoying because I'd just missed an earlier flight and if I'd been able to get on that I would have been home by about 10.'

'It seems like that always happens,' Susan agreed. 'I was surprised when I saw that you'd come in today. You should have called in.'

'I thought about it,' Carol admitted. 'But I wanted my lawyer to be able to reach me, and I knew he wouldn't here because I'd just go to sleep and not hear the phone.'  
'Did he get in touch with you?'

'Yeah, around noon.'

'Is there anything new?' Susan asked. 'You said when you called last night that it had been an interesting day.'

'Yeah, it was,' Carol said, not really wanting to discuss it further. 'I'm sorry,' she said. 'I'm just far too tired to get into it tonight.'

'That's OK,' Susan said, extending a hand to Carol. 'I didn't mean to pressure you, I just remembered you having mentioned something.'

'I'll tell you the whole story, just not tonight,' Carol said. 'I think I'm going to get a glass of juice and then go back to bed.'

'That sounds like a good idea. You need to rest. If you want your lawyer to be able to reach you tomorrow but not go in, you can take the cordless into your room.'

'That's a good idea. I said today that if I woke up I'd go in, but if I was exhausted I would just sleep in.'

'That sounds like a good plan. Are you still having dinner for Doug?'

'Yeah,' Carol said. 'He offered to make a reservation but I want to do this for him. I really didn't get him much of a Valentine's present so dinner will be his present.'

'He will really like that.'

'I hope so. Speaking of Valentine's, what did you decide to do about Michael?'

'We're still together. I decided it would be cruel to break up the week before Valentines.'

'Plus this way you get a gift,' Carol said with a laugh.

'Maybe. He's so oblivious sometimes I wouldn't be surprised if he said he didn't realise it was tomorrow.'

'Reason alone to dump him.'

'Reason number 300, but it was fun,' Susan admitted. 'There's just something about flings at any age.'

'I agree,' Carol said, yawning. 'I'm sorry,' she said. 'The nap just didn't cut it, it's time to go back to bed.'

'Go ahead,' Susan said, giving her a hug as she stood. 'Take the phone. I'll be as quiet as I can.'

'Thanks,' Carol said.

Around 6 PM the next day, Carol was almost finished setting the table when she heard the doorbell ring. After taking one last look around the kitchen, she went to let Doug in. When she opened the door, she breathed in sharply at the site of Doug in new black jeans and a button-down white shirt.

'Happy Valentine's Day,' Doug said, handing her the flowers as he leaned over to kiss her.

'Thanks, they're beautiful,' Carol said, as their kiss broke off.

'Did you get to sleep?' Doug asked, following Carol to the kitchen.

'Yes. I went to bed as soon as I got home yesterday and slept until 7:30 PM. I got up for about a half hour and chatted with Susan and then went back to sleep. I didn't get up until a little after noon today.'

'I'm glad. Did the rest help?'

'Yeah,' Carol said. 'I just really needed to sleep.'

'I don't blame you,' Doug said, placing the wine on the table. 'What do you need help with?'

'Nothing really, the pasta will be ready in just a few minutes. I would have had it ready on time but I was a little lazy,' Carol admitted.

'I suppose that's allowed,' Doug teased, slipping his arm around Carol's slim waist as she stirred the pasta. She was wearing only the slightest trace of make up and was dressed simply; in a pair of khakis and a blue sweater. Nevertheless, she still made Doug's heart skip a beat.

Doug couldn't help but think of how lucky he'd been. When Carol left Chicago he was still young and reckless. He'd grown up a lot in her absence, but never thought he'd get to have a second chance with her. He'd blown it and he knew it. They'd lost touch after sometime and that saddened Doug more than anything. They were close friends before they were lovers, and when he realised he was losing his friend, that hurt even more than when she'd married Tag and moved away from Chicago.

He could not believe it when he saw her again, that night at Susan's. He was thrilled to see her again, but his excitement had been tempered because he knew she hadn't returned under the best of circumstances. She was hurting, and that hurt him. Luckily, with her need for a support network, she'd trusted him, and they'd grown close again. Even though Carol had only been back for three months, they were closer than they had ever been before. This closeness came about, in part, due to their ages and experience. They weren't young and foolish anymore, and Doug would do anything to protect Carol.

They had never discussed dating, it just happened naturally, but Doug was cautious not to push Carol to do anything she wasn't ready for. She had enough pressure on her with the divorce; she didn't need anymore. That was why he chose what he did for her Valentine's Day Present.

As Doug stood there with his arm around her, Carol was pleased with how comfortable she felt, being this close, physically, to him. After the rape, she had not been able to be intimate with Tag; she found that she was afraid of him. Not just because of the physical abuse, that hadn't started until later, but because she knew of his connection to the rape. He'd emotionally abused her for years. He knew all about the rape, and wouldn't, refused to allow her to press charges because it would ruin his buddy's career.

Carol came back to Chicago physically and emotionally drained. She was in worse shape than she had been ever before, even worse than just before her suicide attempt. Everyone had been very supportive of her, helping in any way that they could. She knew she'd made the right decision coming back, and it felt good, it had a healing effect. She had initially been nervous around Doug, not because of their history, but because of her recent experiences.

Doug had been incredibly supportive of and patient with her. He never pushed her, yet he'd been there for her since her second day back in Chicago. They'd had some great nights out, but the moments that meant the most were her low points, where she'd started thinking about the past eight years. He let her cry when she needed to, and dried her eyes when she was ready. It was more than she could ever have asked for, and that's why she wanted this Valentine's Day to be special.

After giving the pasta a final stir, Carol asked, 'Do you want to taste it?'

'Sure,' Doug said, sticking out his tongue. 'Ow, hot!' Doug said. After a few seconds, he added, 'I think I burnt my tongue, but it's good.'

'Next time, let it cool first,' Carol said as she drained the pasta. As she prepared their plates she asked, 'Do you want to open the wine as I finish?'

'Sure,' Doug said, taking out the corkscrew as Carol scooped a bed of pasta onto each plate and placed several pieces of chicken on top of the pasta. 'That looks delicious,' he added.

'Thank you, it's a white wine sauce. I've had the recipe for so long I can't even remember where I got it from.'

'It's not Jen's old recipe, is it?'

'It might be,' Carol acknowledged as she sat down. Raising her wine glass to meet Doug's she said, 'Happy Valentine's Day.'

'Happy Valentine's Day,' Doug added as their glasses clinked. After a few minutes of silence as they started to eat, Doug said, 'This is really delicious.'

'Thanks,' Carol said, 'I was hoping you'd like it.'

'I do,' Doug said. 'Thank you for making dinner tonight.'

'You're welcome. I appreciated your offer to switch to a restaurant but I needed a quiet night in after this week.'

'I don't blame you,' Doug said, reaching for her hand across the table. 'You had a rough week.'

'You could tell?' Carol asked with a slight smile

'You looked pretty wrecked yesterday at work.'

'That was exhaustion more than anything else,' Carol admitted. 'I was so glad that you came in a few minutes early. I needed that.'

'I thought you might,' Doug said. 'Once I got your message Wednesday morning I called you and then when you hadn't gotten back to me I figured you had been delayed, so I came in.'

'I'm sorry about that message, I just, I needed to talk to someone.'

'Never apologise, you know that I'm here for you. May I ask what happened?'

'He flew off the handle in Court, started screaming at me, at his lawyer, at the judge.'

'Do you know why?'

'It's his anger. He can't control it when he's been drinking.'

'He was drinking before court?!' Doug asked incredulously.

'I guess so. They said later his BAC was .12. If there was one good thing about it, it was that they no longer had to rely on my testimony to prove the claims of abuse.'

'A little less nerve-wracking?'

'Yeah,' Carol admitted. The Judge was really nice. She called me into her chambers after his outburst to make sure I was OK. She also had the paperwork on the restraining order and wanted to know the story behind that.' After pausing for a few seconds Carol added, 'I pressed charges against him.'

'I'm proud of you,' Doug said, squeezing Carol's hand.

'Thanks,' Carol said, returning the squeeze. 'I wasn't sure about it, and it wasn't anything I planned, but I knew it was what I had to do. He is still so angry. I spoke with some former neighbours while I was back and they said his anger hasn't diminished it all. After hearing that, I knew it wasn't a flare-up of his anger just because I was around. I couldn't let him get away with it and risk that he'd hurt someone else.'

Doug nodded his head in agreement, 'Will you have to go back to testify?'

'I don't know. They were talking about going for a plea when I left and I haven't heard anything since. I hope not, I just want to be done with all of it. I spent a good portion of the time explaining that to the judge and to my lawyer for the 10th time. Neither understands why I'm not going after alimony. I just want to be done with the whole situation, I want no contact and if I have to forgo alimony in order to get that, I will.'

'I can understand that,' Doug said.

'What really bothered me was his lawyer's attitude once we were discussing the plea He kept inferring that I should have seen it coming.'

'How so?'

'He said I knew what I was in for with an alcoholic. That I should have expected the abuse.'

'That's ludicrous!'

'That's how I felt. I mean, never mind.'

'It's OK, share what's on your mind. You can't hold it in.'

'It's just that I don't mean to bring up the past, but I knew you very well when you were struggling with alcohol, but you would never lay a hand on me or anyone else.'

Doug nodded, 'I fucked up, in more ways than I can count, but I'd never hit a woman. No one should.'

'And it was sickening to hear someone excuse it.' After a few moments pause, Carol continued, 'Let's talk about something different.'

'How did it feel to be back in Massachusetts?'

'I had mixed feelings. I mean I liked it, it's a beautiful state, but it's not home. It was nice to see some friends, but I wanted to leave. I fled and now associate it with the abuse. But I think that had more to do with going back to where we lived rather than the whole state. The beaches of Massachusetts will probably always be one of my places to go for a summer vacation.'

'I've never been,' Doug said. 'Maybe if you feel up to it we could go this summer?'

'I'd like that,' Carol said.

It was about an hour later and Doug and Carol had finished washing the dishes. Doug stood behind Carol and started to massage her shoulders. 'You're very tense,' he said, concerned.

'I think it's just that everything from this week has settled in my shoulders. That, and 'sleeping' in the airport on Wednesday night.'

'Yeah, that could do it,' Doug said, kissing Carol's cheek from over her shoulder. This prompted her to turn and give him a sensuous kiss in return.

'Come on,' she said, after the kiss broke off. 'I want to give you your present.'

'Sounds good to me,' Doug said, putting his arm around Carol's waist as they walked to the Living Room. As they sat down, Doug said, 'Me first, I can't wait any longer,'

'OK,' Carol agreed, taking the envelope he offered. The card was pretty, with flowers on the front and on the inside Doug had written:

_Dear Carol,  
When I first saw you that night at Susan's, I wasn't sure how I felt. I was thrilled to see you again, but at the same time I knew you'd come back under less than ideal circumstances. I'm glad we've grown close again since then and that you've allowed me to be there to help you through everything. I've always loved and cared for you and I know that I always will. _

_Love,  
Doug_

Carol was blinking back tears as she read it. 'Thank you,' she said softly. She wasn't surprised that Doug felt that way, but hadn't expected him to come right out and say it.

'You're welcome. I meant every word,' Doug said, handing Carol a small box. He watched her closely as she opened it to reveal a single key. As she looked up at him, with a questioning expression on her face, he continued. 'I'm not trying to push you to anything you're not ready for, I just wanted you to know that you are welcome at my place, anytime. This seemed to be a good way to tell you.'

'Thank you,' Carol said, giving Doug a kiss. 'It's not a good way, it's a great way.' Reaching for a card on the table, she continued, 'And now it's your turn.'

Doug opened the envelope to find a beige card that said on the outside, Why is Valentine's Day only one day... and continued to the inside where it finished when I love you this much everyday. After that, Carol had written:

_Dear Doug,_

_I know I've said Thank You before, but I want to make sure you know how much I appreciate all that you've done for me since I got back to Chicago. This is why I want to do something special for you for Valentine's Day. While this hasn't been an easy few months for me, you have made sure to be there for me all along and I know you always will be. I love you._

_Love,  
Carol_

Turning to face Doug, Carol said, 'I don't have a present that you can unwrap, but I wanted to tell you that I'm ready. I know it's taken a long time, probably longer than it should have for me to be comfortable, but I think I'm finally ready.'

Doug was surprised, he didn't think it had been very long, certainly not longer than it should have, but very touched. 'Are you sure?' he asked.

'I think so,' Carol said. 'I, I can't promise anything, but I want to try.' After a few seconds pause she added, 'If you don't want to, that's OK.'

'No, no,' Doug reassured her. 'I do want to, I just don't want to rush you into anything you're not ready for.'

'We'll just take it slow, ok?'

'Of course. And if at any time, you're not comfortable, just tell me and we'll stop.' Doug thought for a moment, and then added, 'I'm not sure I have any ...'

'Don't worry, I got some,' Carol said, standing and taking him by the hand as they walked toward her bedroom.

Afterwords, they lay together on the bed. Doug ran one hand through Carol's thick curls while keeping the other on her lower back. He tilted his head slightly and looked at her. Her eyes were closed and he murmured, 'You OK?'

Carol nodded slightly, opening her eyes. She then shifted so that she was lying on her side next to Doug, facing him, with her head still on his chest and his right arm still around her. Absentmindedly, she traced a pattern on his chest with her finger, not wanting to leave the safety of his arms. After a little bit, Doug took her hand in his, and kissed it.

They stayed like that for a few minutes before Doug noticed something out of the corner of his eye. 'What's the matter?' he asked, concerned.

'Nothing,' Carol said, trying to free her hand to wipe her eyes.

Not wanting her to feel as if he was trapping her, he let her free her hand. At the same time, however, he gently kissed her forehead. 'Was it something I did?'

"No,no,' Carol said quickly. 'I'm not upset,' Carol said. 'It's...' Carol trailed off for a bit before continuing. 'You up to a story?'

'Of course,' Doug said, shifting slightly.

Wanting to be able to look Doug in the eye as she told him the story, Carol moved her head to the pillow. Doug rolled onto his side so they were lying face to face. He could tell that Carol was a little nervous and said, 'You don't have to tell me if you don't feel up to it.'

'I want to,' Carol said. 'It was a little less than a year ago, when things had started to get really bad with Tag. I knew I needed to leave, but I had no idea how I could do it. I had some co-workers who I considered friends, but they weren't friends like you guys. Plus, I'd grown suspicious of everyone, I was always worried that someone would turn around and go to Tag.'

'That's understandable.'

'So I started to do some brainstorming, tried to work out how I could possibly get away because I didn't think I could do it on my own. The conclusion I eventually came to was that I'd blown my chances when I lost touch with all of you. I knew I couldn't just call out of nowhere and say, I screwed up, I need help. So I abandoned that solution and tried to see if anything else would work. But then about a week later, it got bad. Really bad.' Noticing the questioning look on Doug's face Carol said. 'Another time, please. I just don't want to talk about that right now.'

'That's fine,' Doug said.

'I knew I needed to leave, and I was desperate. I knew that if I called you, told you I was in trouble, that you'd be there. Don't ask me why I knew, I just did.'

'I'm glad you knew that, because you're absolutely right. But why didn't you call me?'

'I did.' Doug looked very confused, so Carol continued quickly. 'I got your number from information and called, but I got your machine. I didn't have the nerve to leave a message. I tried a few other times, so if you remember a period of time with 5 hang ups in three days, that was when I tried to call. So I'd given up...But then tonight, I was thinking, I had given up but now, less than a year later I'm back in Chicago, we're together. I'm not sure why I started to cry, but they were happy tears. It's been a rough few years, but the way things have worked out in the last few months...You have been a big part of that, and I want to thank you so much.'

'You don't have to thank me,' Doug said.

'I do. You've been so supportive. There when I needed you, and you understood from the beginning that it wasn't you that I was afraid of. You've been there for me 150, even when you didn't have to,' Carol added, leaning over to kiss Doug. 'I wasn't sure I was going to be able to trust anyone again, but look what we've done. I went from not being able to be hugged to tonight.' After a few seconds pause, she whispered, 'Thank you for being willing to wait.'

'I told you I'd wait. I waited almost 8 years for you, another few months was OK. I wanted you to be ready. I'm just glad I've helped you, and I want you to know I'll always be there for you, whenever you need someone.'

'I know,' Carol said, really believing it. 'I know you will.'

-16 April 2003

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